4 things- all for you!

On a recent trip I stayed at a hotel and opted for the deluxe suite. Much to my dismay it did not come with fries.

Of all the seasons I think this one is my favorite because it's the only one with a nickname. "Hi, I'm autumn, but everybody just calls me fall...cause that's what the leaves do during me."

(Out of curiosity, how did you guys imagine Autumn's voice as you read that to yourself? I was sort of thinking something similar to actor James Gammon - better known as manager Lou Brown from the Major League films.)

If you repeatedly interrupt people who are talking at a party you are an asshole, unless you have a camera- then you are a photographer/asshole. (The / must be read as the word "slash" in order for this observation to reach it's full comedic potential. My apologies to those who re-read that and were still disappointed with the outcome .)

If anybody you know ever makes the mistake of calling an airline and speaking to the automated operator in your presence, I think a fun way to punish them is to wait until they are trying to communicate what the purpose of their call is, and then yell into their phone "purchase aircraft." It may not be a standard menu option, but if they ended up having to buy an airplane on account of your prank, imagine the laughs, cause where would they park it, right?

Check Me Out

I was featured in the latest Time Out New York. The key to comedy is waiting almost two years after something is topical, and then making a joke about it.

That being said, I'm working on some hilarious Harriet Miers Supreme Court nomination material. So you can look forward to that.

The Monarch of Crime

I'm sure most of you guys also subscribe to the United States Fish and Wildlife Services news release email list, so forgive me for beating you over the head with Tuesday's water cooler talk, but I just had to discuss the following news item:

On Monday a Japanese man was sentenced to 21 months in prison for smuggling rare butterflies into the US. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall when he and his cellmates take turns answering the question "what are you in here for?"

I imagine it would go something like this:

Inmate #1
So what are you guys in here for?

Inmate#2
Aggravated Assault. They said I beat down five guys outside a club with a tire wrench, but I wasn't even at the club. What about you, man?

Inmate #1
I'm sure you weren't there, inmate #2. I'm in on armed robbery. Took out three banks and two jewelry stores in a week. Shot the places up pretty good too, just for fun. What about you boss?

Japanese Butterfly Smuggler
I smuggle rare butterfly into country.

Inmate #2
What? What the hell are you talking about?

Japanese Butterfly Smuggler
I talking about Queen Alexandra's Birdwings, species like that. Beautiful, beautiful butterfly. You never see this butterflies in United States. Beautiful, beautiful.

Inmate #1
Quit bullshitting man, what are really in here for?

Japanese Butterfly Smuggler
I no bullshit. I raise butterfly in Japan, from time they caterpillar to beautiful, beautiful butterfly. I raise in how you say-terrarium? So delicate, so graceful, so colorful.

Inmate #2
Dude, you better shut up or you are totally going to get G-R'd*

A chilling glimpse of life behind bars, no? I didn't mean to go all Oz on you. Okay, fine, that's precisely what I meant to do. What's more (which I might add is a very underutilized expression- particularly conversationally), here are some jokes that are no longer as topical as they once were but every bit as mildly amusing as they've ever been. Dig in!

Turner County High School in Georgia will have its first non-segregated prom this year. The theme will be “white kids feeling self-conscious about dancing.”

After being inspired by the Proclaimers song '500 miles' an Italian man plans to walk 500 miles to Rome and 500 more miles on the return trip to demonstrate his love to his ex-girlfriend; proving he’ll do anything to win her back- except listen to contemporary music.

Four of Bob Marley's sons will hold a concert called "Smile Jamaica" promoting peace to commemorate the 62nd anniversary of the musician's birth. The sons chose the 62nd anniversary for the concert because they’re all broke, now.

A new study shows that people who were breast-fed as infants climb the social-class ladder more readily than those who were bottle-fed babies. Finally, academics are recognizing the difficulty of shattering the proverbial glass teat.

Paul McCartney was introduced Wednesday as the first artist signed to Starbucks new record label. Expect his next album to be very bitter and twice as expensive as it should be.

Three men in Tokyo stole a 220 pound block of gold worth more than 1.7 million dollars from a Japanese museum by picking it up and walking out. The theft exposed some glaring weaknesses in the museum’s security system-also known as the honor code.

That’s all the funny I can muster for now, and by muster I mean cut and paste. The good news is I predict you're all going to have a weekend that is so good, that by comparison, all other weekends you've ever had seem like hopeless pits of despair, filled only with gruesome physical punishment. That's how optimistically I'm viewing this upcoming weekend. I guess I’m just a glass half full kinda guy.

*less offensive slang for undesirable prison activity that rhymes with “hang drape.”

Dad is an awful pun

I'm not expecting to be a father anytime soon- don't fail me now ortho tricyclen- but I know this much about the type of dad I'm going to be: I'll play games with my kids until the sun comes home, as it were, but I'll be damned if I let them get away with any of those bullshit games where they make up the rules as they go along and then constantly change the rules so that no matter what happens they win. I'm not saying I always need to win, though I like my chances to run the table throughout their single digits, but I'm not going to allow blatant cheating to be passed off as youthful creativity. Sorry kiddo, gimme the rules upfront or Daddy ain't playing.

Also, rather than giving his blanket some meaningless name like blankey or ba-ba, I'm gonna see to it that we call our kid's blanket something more important, like "justice." Our guests will be floored when Junior starts crying and I apologize on his behalf and tell them he just wants justice. How could you get annoyed with a little tyke whining for justice? But to keep people on their toes, I think we'll call pacifiers abortions. I'm sure fellow movie patrons will put two and two together when we try to console the baby by saying "sounds like somebody wants an abortion!"

See what had happened was...

So my first round picks weren't perfect. I'm sure yours weren't either, so don't be a dick about it.

You know who deserves a nice shiner? The McDonald's snack wrap guy. "Looks like somebody missed snack time." I can't believe how preposterously smug he is. You really think you're that smart because you eat a snack wrap every day? I hate to break it to you, snack wrap guy, but eating McDonalds all the time actually makes you an idiot. You're an idiot.

Do you like your place snack wrap guy, because I'm pretty sure I just put you in it.

TKO!

Breaking down the South Region

The lone region I’ve yet to forecast with alarming accuracy is the South. Let’s get to it.

Central Connecticut State over Ohio State- Caught up in all the pre-tournament hoopla Buckeye Freshman Greg Oden forgets to take his daily fiber and arthritis meds and is a complete non-factor. Central Connecticut earns 6 crucial points off of technical fouls as OSU coach Thad Matta thrice steps onto the court during game play to pick up pieces of debris that he thinks might be chewing gum.

Brigham Young over Xavier. In the fiercest religious-athletic conflict since Pope John Paul II out-bowled the Dalai Lama back in 1989 the Mormons triumph over the Jesuits. After catching an episode of Big Love in the hotel room the night before the game several Musketeer players will spend too much time asking Cougar players to explain what Roman and the compound are all about.

Tennessee over Long Beach State. Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl will get the most out his team with a rousing halftime speech in which he threatens to ride the team bus back to the hotel wearing nothing but orange body paint if the Vols don’t pick it up in the second half. The 49ers- more like the 86eders after the tournament is all out of them- cause they lost. Take that.

Virginia over Albany. The Cavaliers will take the Great Daynes for a walk and make the Great Daynes pick up their own poop. They will not do anything to help the Great Daynes when the Great Daynes get wicked, wicked fleas. The game may only last 40 minutes but that’s whatever 7 X 40 is in dog minutes so the Great Daynes will be way tired. In summation the Great Daynes will be too busy licking their own genitals to win the basketball game.

Louisville over Stanford. The classic battle of the Cardinals versus the Cardinal. Everybody knows many cardinals are better than just one, especially when that one is a tree and the many are birds. I can’t find it online to show you but trust me, earlier this year Stanford forward Lauren Hill had the most ridiculous looking bowl cut fade I’ve ever seen. Anyone with judgment that bad hurts his teams chances of winning. Speaking of hair, I’m pretty psyched to see that creative in-hair designs are regaining favor in the black community. Several college basketball players have showcased some impressive hair-artistry, highlighted by Michigan’s Brett Petway.
Somewhere Anthony Mason is smiling.

Texas A&M over Penn. Texas A&M is going to win the whole tournament. The only tournament Penn is likely to win is the tournament for universities from which my cousin graduated that I also attended on a model united nations conference in high school. I’d like to see the One Shining Moment highlight package equivalent at the end of that tournament. It would probably be lots of my cousin hanging out with his freshman year roommate Jon Legend (no the other Jon Legend) and me passing flirtatious notes to the hot delegates from El Salvador.

Creighton over Nevada. How long has Nevada’s Nick Fazekas been the best player we’ve never heard of? Too long. Fazekas proves not to be the most valuable white guy on a mid major who’s seemingly been in college forever with the initials NF when Creighton’s Nate Funk hits a game winning shot of either the one, two or three point variety. Fazekas misses a full court heave at the buzzer and teammates question his strategy of going for the rock and jock 25 point basket that is 20 feet high.

Memphis over North Texas. I desperately want to pick North Texas because their nickname is the Mean Green. That’s the best adjective color combo in their dubious history of nicknames. Prior to this they were the Silly Yellow and before that the Quiet Pink. Memphis’ Joey Dorsey, perhaps the hardest dunking man in the collegiate ranks, will humiliate North Texas with a barrage of power slams leaving the Mean Green more like the Sad Brown (because they’ll be shitting themselves in amazement)

There you have it, all the first round games. When you factor in the play-in game I’ll be 33 for 33 heading into Saturday which is pretty impressive I think. Don’t forget to send me a generous chunk of your winnings. Enjoy the games.

Your Personal NCAA Tournament Picking Guide

I know you’ve been anxiously awaiting these as you try to beat your pool’s entry deadline, so here are the rest of my first round locks- or as nervous nellies might call them: picks.

I’ll begin in the East.

Eastern Kentucky over North Carolina. It’s too bad North Carolina didn’t get put in the North region, otherwise they’d be a decent pick. Logic, if not history, dictates that if the name of a school contains the region in which they are playing, they are a shoo-in to win at least one game. Salute the Colonels, your first round victors.

Michigan State over Marquette. Nobody can shut up about the clash between teacher and pupil. Marquette’s coach Tom Crean was Tom Izzo’s top assistant for years with the Spartans before spreading his wings and flying as the Golden Eagles instructor Eagle. Normally I’d pick Marquette, because I think I would beat all of my former bosses in basketball, but I’m pretty confident Drew Naymick’s hair will blind Dominic James as James misses the front end of what would have been the game tying granny-style free-throw.

USC over Arkansas. Many people were very surprised that Arkansas made the tournament. Try as they might to prove that they belong, the Razorbacks will be unable to cause “40 minutes of Hell” as they did under former coach Nolan Richardson. Instead the Hogs will offer USC 28 minutes of Purgatory, 7 minutes in Heaven and 5 minutes reincarnated as the dude who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge. With their well lubricated offense the Trojans will be able to work it in and out with ease and advance.

Texas over New Mexico State. Aggies coach- the former star of the NBA and NBC’s Hang Time- Reggie Theus fails his team when he reverts back to the coaching style he used as Coach Bill Fuller on the Saturday morning teen sitcom. The plays Theus diagrams are only effective on a 30 foot court with 7’ hoops. Look for Texas freshman Kevin Durant to make a name for himself and possibly even draw the attention of some insightful NBA scouts.

George Washington over Vanderbilt. Lots of people have Vanderbilt winning this game and then knocking off 3^rd seeded Washington State to move into the sweet 16. Those peoples are so wrong it makes them jerks. GW beat Virginia Tech this season proving that they're more than capable (whatever that phrase means) of beating V teams from power conferences. Both teams feature point guards with two first names -Vandy’s Alex Gordon and GW’s Carl Elliot, so it’s not safe to trust either squad. Ultimately this boils down to our first president getting a slight nod over a shipping and railroad magnate named Cornelius.

Washington State over Oral Roberts. First of all, Washington State has the sweetest logo ever. Imagine the shame that the guy who simply drew 'cougars' in cursive must have felt when they revealed the winner of the school's logo contest. If the logo isn’t enough to sell you on Wazzu how about the fact that their point guard, Taylor Rochestie, transferred from Tulane last year. He’s a Katrina transplant. Picking Oral Roberts is like rooting for the Hurricane to win (again). Hasn’t New Orleans suffered enough?

Boston College over Texas Tech. Post game press conferences with the general are far more entertaining after his team loses. ACC player of the year Jared Dudley, who says fans call him ugly sometimes, will play quite handsomely as he blocks out all the attacks on his physical appearance thrown at him throughout the game. Most will come from Coach Knight. Dudley will be crying after the game, not because he’s overcome with the joy of victory, but because after a while those Ugly Dudley chants really hurt.

Georgetown over Belmont. Hoyas forward Jeff Green plans on making this tournament his personal non-homosexual coming out party. Against Belmont Green he will have his cake and eat it too, cry if he wants to and act as if it’s 1999. Belmont may boast a balanced scoring attack (6 Bruins average between 5.1 and 9.5 points) but all that really means is nobody is any good. What’s more, Belmont coach Rick Byrd refuses to represent his father and grandfather in everything he does while Georgetown’s John Thompson El tercer, always does.

I’ll get to the dirty South a little later on. Your welcome for everything.

Free NCAA Predictions!

I don’t want to say I’m both a genius and a psychic, but I think the facts speak pretty loudly. In my previous post I predicted that Niagara would win by 8 tonight and sure as sugar they won by 8. I’ve never been more proud. Okay, now it’s time to chop off the mid and take a look at the straight up West.

Niagara over Kansas- Last time I checked no six Jayhawks got together off campus to hospitalize a member of the KU baseball team. Soar on Purple Eagles.

Villanova over Kentucky. As the cheeseball announcers are sure to say at least five times during the course of the broadcast: I’ll bet you anything the Wildcats win this game. But seriously folks, I’m here all weekend. Nova prevails when Kentucky has neither the answer for the length nor the width of senior point guard Mike Nardi’s sideburns.

Virginia Tech over Illinois. I believe it was Dr. James Naismith, inventor of the sport, who said “Never bet against a Hokie named Zabian.” For over 100 years these words seemed like conclusive evidence that Naismith was a peach basket loving, nonsense spewing, nut-job. But ever since Virgina Tech successfully recruited 6’3’’ guard Zabian Dowdell, Naismith’s words have proved prophetic- except for the 50 or so times Tech has lost during Zabian’s career. On Friday Naismith will have the last laugh as the Hokies trounce the mascot-less Illini.

Southern Illinois over Holy Cross. I’ve watched several Southern Illinois games on tv this season and all I gotta say is those young men are exceptionally well-built. I haven’t seen Holy Cross but I can’t imagine the Crusader players having such nice figures. SIU muscles out a W.

Virginia Commonwealth over Duke. Basketball analysts like to talk about the impact that “the name on the jersey” has on the other team. VCU’s jerseys may only say VCU since Virginia Commonwealth is so long, but what’s implied is a belief in the association of autonomous states. If you think a commonwealth would ever succumb to a ruler of a continental European Duchy, you’re totally dumb. The Rams will rule over the Blue Devils.

Wright State over Pittsburgh. A quote from the Wright State capsule from Monday’s USA TODAY: “the Raiders won’t be intimidated by anyone.” Without the option of the intimidation factor Pitt will be forced to comfort the Raiders. This will be very awkward and exhausting for the Panthers. Furthermore, the fact that Pitt forward Levon Kendall is named Levon but is white (and Canadian no less) will finally cost both Levon and his team in crunch time.

Gonzaga over Indiana. Gonzaga will feed off the energy of extremely animated suspended forward Josh Heytvelt as he sits behind the bench absolutely tripping balls. Indiana will not be able to overcome guard Earl Calloway sounding like the name of an influential jazz musician of the Harlem Renaissance.

UCLA over Weber State. UCLA coach Ben Howland is an Alumnus of Weber State. Unfortunately he implores his Bruins to take out all of his undergraduate sexual frustration for him (figuratively) on the overmatched Wildcats. At least Weber State fans can take solace in the fact that their school continues to manufacture the best and most frequently mispronounced grills on the market.

I’m looking forward to completing your guide to a perfect first round of tournament picks tomorrow. Nighty night.