My First List

I slept through my flight home and failed to ask anybody about the impact that cell phone use has on the plane's equipment. As fortune would have it though, while riding Newark's luxurious air tran I happened upon a flight attendant. Though she was clearly wearing the uniform of a flight attendant, I felt compelled to ask her if she worked for an airline. Graciously, she didn't respond sarcastically. I then asked her about the cell phones. She said that if certain cell phones are searching for a signal they could interfere with the plane's radar. That seems pretty legit. However, she did confess that the portable electronic devices that we must turn off at the beginning and end of flights are only forbidden at those times because the flight crew wants our undivided attention then. Here I was thinking that the plane somehow used the battery power from those devices during takeoff and landing and that's why we couldn't have them on then. Don't I feel like a horse's patoot-all fly swarmed and littered with hay debris and what have you.

Speaking of animals, check out this list of names for male dogs that I think would be funny:

Jeff- you can't name your dog Jeff. That's a dude's name.

Coldcuts- huh? Good boy Coldcuts, good boy!

Spare Key- Not to be confused with Sparky- and no, I'm not just looking around my apartment for objects to help fill this list. There are no coldcuts, nor Jeff's in my living space.

Three quarters empty box of now stale Frosted Mini-Wheats- So maybe I am using some household objects, but merely as jumping off points.

Polio- If you're gonna name your dog after a disease one would think Jaundice would be the most cuddly choice.

Turtle- Pretty much any other type of animal makes for a funny dog's name unless it somehow fits. For example, naming a fat dog hippo isn't funny because it kind of makes sense, similarly naming a chihuahua Elephant isn't funny because it's "so ironic." However, naming a yellow lab "panther" is side-splitting.

There are no other potentially funny names for male dogs. I hope you enjoyed my exhaustive list.

Brooklyn bound

I'm heading back to the city in a couple of hours. When I board my flight I intend to ask somebody from the Cleveland based Continental flight crew what affects not turning off ones cell phone have on the operation of the airplane. I think if a pilot ever wanted to hammer home the importance of passengers turning them off, all he would have to do is come over the intercom several minutes into the flight and say "this is your pilot from the flight deck, if everybody could do me a favor and double check to make sure their cell phones are turned off that would be great. All of our control panels seem to have gone blank, so if whoever left their cell phone on could go ahead and turn it off, that would be a big big help. Thanks." Don't act like you guys don't believe in white lies. Safety first. I'll author a full report after I speak to someone on my flight. Until then, be good.

Comment commentary

Check out this comment one of my ex-friends posted the other day. I wonder what I ever saw in him?

I have decided that there can be no greater goal in life than to be mentioned in your blog. Not directly by name, mind you, but by reference to something I've done (see reference to "someone's voice mail message"). With this in mind I plan on a slowly but inevitably escalating series of bizarre events to be conducted in your presence, followed the next day by a feverish checking of the blog. On guard. Anonymous

Don't get too ambitious there with your life goals, huh? On guard? You sound like you used to date a fencer or something. Be careful what you wish for.

(Time is elapsing as I soul search)

Upon further consideration, I think that it may be poor blogging etiquette to blast people's comments. I suppose I can't afford to alienate readers at this point. So anonymous, please forgive my blasting of your comment and accept my invitation to rekindle our friendship.

What did the Turkey order for dessert?

Peach Gobbler! If that's not a laffy taffy wrapper waiting to happen, I'm in the wrong business. Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I'm thankful to have you in my life. Especially you, current reader. So last night was all kinds of eventful. First I went to the Cavs game and witnessed a spectacular performance by LeBron James. He scored a career high 43 points as he led the Cavs to a convincing victory over the defending champion Detroit Pistons in front of a national television audience. He dazzled the crowd with an impressive array of "big jumps, hard throws and long guys" according to esteemed basketball analyst Kathy Cole-Kelly. I'm going to make a fearless prediction and say that LeBron is going to go down as a better than average professional basketball player. I know he's only 19 and this is just his second season, but I just have a hunch about this kid. Remember, you heard it here first- LeBron James: above-average player. While the game certainly provided entertainment aplenty, for me the highlight of the night took place at the ticket turnstiles. The guy in front of me in line took exception to the black female security guard's enforcement of new security measures that required everyone to show their cell phones and remove metal items from their pockets. After failing to cooperate and consequently being asked a second time to show his cell phone (of which he had two side by side on his belt-clip holster) this guy complained "this is ridiculous I'm an upper-class white Caucasian." Even after passing through the turnstile the guy still felt the need to repeat that he shouldn't have been subjected to such treatment because, again, he's "an upper class white Caucasian." This is what I wish I would have said to him at that moment: "An upper-class white Caucasian, sir? First of all, a pleather jacket and fake diamond studs in either ear do not an upper class citizen make. Secondly, referring to yourself as a white Caucasian is like me calling you a mentally challenged retard. It's idiotically redundant. Not exactly the level of verbal eloquence I'd expect from a member of our society's upper class." However, I said nothing. Partly because he probably would have kicked my ass in front of my mom and my sister, (and that would have been embarrassing) and partly because I didn't think of that response until this afternoon.

Later on last night I went to a local bar for the annual small talk convention with fellow high school grads from 1995-2001. My friends and I decided that these nights would be much more fun if brutal honesty was more socially acceptable. Rather than "good to see you" you could call a spade a spade and tell people "you look like hell," or "holy shit man, you've gained so much weight I hardly recognized you." Instead of inconspicuously asking your friend who that was you were just talking to for five minutes, you could interrupt said unknown mid-sentence and say "It's cool and all that you're thinking about moving to New York too, but remind me again, who the fuck are you?" Despite holding my tongue I still enjoyed myself. Some relatives have just arrived and I'm fending off accusations of being anti-social so I'm going to go, but maybe tonight I'll make a list of things I'm thankful for/of/betwixt. Until then, enjoy that poultry goodness.

The mystique by the lake

All you worry-warts out there will be glad to know that I have arrived home safe and sound in Cleveland. I suppose even if you aren't a worrier but you weren't wishing death upon me, then you too might be glad to hear that my trip home was of the crash-free variety. The title of this post is the latest and most likely only step in my half-hearted effort to boost Cleveland's national image. Some people refer to my hometown city as the mistake by the lake (Erie, that is). But I'm here to tell you that there's all sorts of intrigue in this thriving metropolis. For example, Cleveland boasts highway 490- the shortest highway in the country. You'd have to drive her to believe her people. We're talking short. I'm not big on segues. Neither is comedian Jerry Seinfeld. But speaking of Seinfeld, the first three seasons of his hit television series were released today on DVD. I think I speak on behalf of all Seinfeld fans when I say "Finally!" We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. For far too long we have had to sustain ourselves on a mere seven daily syndicated episodes. No more. Now, if I want to watch the soup nazi episode for the 24th, 25th and 26th times, I don't have to wait three weeks for TBS, and the local network syndicators to get their acts together. With two clicks of the remote I can knock them out in 66 minutes flat. Somebody upstairs has been listening to a certain somebody else's desperate prayers and I think a sincere thank you is in order here. So thanks, Lord. I don't want to turn any readers off by exposing my religious side, but when prayers are answered I think thanks are due. And with that bit of tough talk, I'm going to go down to my kitchen and talk to my mom and sister. By the way, am I the only person who feels like a bad ass grammar-rebel everytime they start a sentence with But or And? What's up conventional grammatical wisdom I was taught in elementary school? I'm flying in your face motherfucker! I'm outty like people's bellybuttons that make me laugh.

Tracking my readership

So I installed site meter technology today which allows me to see how many people have visited my blog each day. If you are reading this after 9:55pm on Monday but before the clock strikes midnight, congratulations-you very well may have hit the 10 spot. That's right, I'm on the verge of double digit visitors. I wonder who you guys are? Actually, there really isn't that much mystery, considering everyone who knows that this blog exists is a friend or family member of mine that I've emailed within the past week. Another new aspect of the blog is that, thanks to the suggestion of a self-proclaimed blogaholic nerd who shall remain nameless, anyone can now post comments. I do this for you guys, so please, comment away. I'm just kidding, this is totally for me. In unrelated and totally irrelevant other news, I called somebody today whose voice mail message claimed that he would return my phone call "as soon as humanly possible." I think simply 'as soon as possible' would suffice in this and most contexts. Barring a situation in which an animal or robot/machine might be able to expedite the process but you are unwilling to accept their help, I think the "humanly" aspect can be safely assumed. I wonder if a gentler midwestern tone will be detectable in my posts beginning tomorrow as I'll be back home in lovely Shaker Heights, Ohio? No doubt food for thought for all. I'll leave you guys to marinate on that one and I'll be sure to update its potential development. Have a lovely late Monday on into Tuesday eve (ning).

p.s. Jaffe, I think it's cool to be a blogaholic

So after not posting over the weekend- it's technically Monday now-I feel determined to prove to myself and any skeptics out there that this blog is not going to run the course of one of my sit-up/push-up regimens which tend to start off with gusto days 1 and 2, tail off Day 3 take a breather Day 4 and then disintegrate entirely Day 5 as I realize that I wasn't even fooling myself. I guess when you're as naturally chiseled as I am, you can afford such inconsitent dedication to working out. I wish there was a sarcastic font for statements you want to make sure people don't read the wrong way. Sarcasm can be tough to pick up on in some written contexts, particularly Instant Messaging.

Check out this ordinary online conversation I had recently with a classmate I hadn't spoken to since we graduated college:

(pseudoscreenyms used)

Oldfriend02: Hey man long time no chat, fancy running into you online

ME:Yeah, this is crazy.

Oldfriend02: So are you still living in NYC? How's the big apple treating you?

ME: Big Apple, indeed. What about you, I'm dying to know what you're up to?

Oldfriend02: Still doing finance stuff for Branch. It's mostly number crunching, kind of dry, but I'm sort of a math nut and I've pretty much mastered Excel, so that's kind of neat.

ME: Excel mastery, huh? Cool. Listen, I hate to cut this short, but I have to do some errands.

Oldfriend02: Alright man, well I'll keep my eyes peeled for you online so we can catch up some more, I've got to tell you about this crazy date I went on last month.

ME: I can't wait to hear about it. Sadly though, I must.

sign off

Had I been armed with the appropriate sarcasm-laden font to accentuate the uber-sarcasm of all of my responses to Oldfriend02, he would have realized that I couldn't care less that we were chatting, that the details of his life bore me immensely, that to me his job sounds horrific, and that in an ideal world, I'd never again have any contact with him as long as I lived. However, without the proper sarcasm indication, the exchange was a pleasant one. In case you're worried that I'm an asshole, I'll have you know the whole conversation was ficticious. I know it's hard to believe that I could re-create such detailed and realistic IM banter, but I guess that's just a gift of mine. Well shucks, it's getting late and I don't want to risk my fatigue diluting the quality of this post, so I'm going to call it a post. Here's to beating that pesky case of the Monday's everyone. Cheers

TGIF

I wonder who first cashed in on the expression Thank Goodness It's Friday, Friday's the restaurant or the storied Friday night abc primetime lineup that's brought us smash hits the likes of Perfect Strangers, Just The Ten Of Us, Family Matters, Full House and Step by Step? Furthermore, I wonder why the two (the restaurant and the tv lineup) have never joined forces for adverstising purposes? I'm sure Carl Winslow and Cousin Larry would have been more than happy to snack on some Jack Daniel's wings during some promos. And from the looks of it coach Graham Lubbock, the dad from Just the Ten of Us, (forgive me for insulting your pop culture intelligence) might have inhaled a taterskin or two in his day. What's more, as long as Friday's is using 30 page heavy duty bound menu-tablets, why not throw in a page of TGIF related specials. I bet these dishes would've raked it in:

Balky's Bibby Bobkas- his Nana's original recipe; 100% authentic Mepos-ian comfort food!

Uncle Jesse's Baklava- put together with all the care of his hair styling, Have Mercy!

The youngest daughter from Family Matter's dissapearing brownie: Just like her character on the show, this delcious desert will be gone in no time!

Uncle Joey's Cornbread: With real bits of corn, almost as corny as the man himself!

They could've given the servers talking Urkel buttons too and everytime they dropped a tray or messed up on order they'd press it and it would say: "Did I do that?"

Alls I'm trying to say is that it's silly that these two TGIF themed entities went it alone. Sure they could still team up, but at this point who cares? Complete Savages? I've never even heard of these shows. I have some houseguests here and one of them just asked me to "borrow the internet,"so I'm gonna let him do that. Here's hoping I get it back when he's done. Later.

WML: Represent, Represent

Initially, I felt as though yesterday's state bird link was a subpar effort on my behalf. Not that I still don't feel that way, but upon studying the list I did find some items of interest.

Most surprising state bird fact: Six, count em, six states opted for the Western Meadowlark as their feathered friend of choice. From the cornfields of Nebraska, to the big sky of Montana, who knew she was so revered? I hear in Wyoming, when one is spotted, it's not uncommon for people to throw up the Westside W handside, flip it upside down to make an M and then make an L with their left index finger and thumb. Honest.

Most dissapointing state bird fact: Seven states went the way of the Cardinal. I've got nothing against the redbirds per se, but c'mon, that's about as bold as naming your dog Scout. Sadly, my homestate of Ohio is one of the guilty parties in this testament to creative bankruptcy. I thought I was ashamed enough when we failed to bring home the election, but contributing to the crowning of the cardinal as the most popular state bird may be the kicker that sends me to the closest New York DMV to do away with my Ohio license. Hello Bluebird!

Speaking of Ohio being a red state, I discovered last night while dining with my mother that she's refusing to remove the Kerry/Edwards lawn sign from our front yard. While I think her intentions are admirable, I fear that the ultimate result of her actions leaves our household looking rather silly. I wonder if the neighbors are drawing straws to determine which one of them has to regretfully inform her that things didn't quite work out.

I'm doing the stand up comedy tonight. Here is a link to it: http://localcomedian.com/tbar/
You won't get more bang out of a singular buck, unless of course you go to the dollar slice place on 9th avenue between 40th and 41st-in which case use the hot pepper flakes sparingly as they're extra-potent. Some might argue that self-promotion attempts tend to be more successful when you don't tout superior alternative options. I guess I'm holding out hope that dollar pizza and dollar comedy shows aren't mutually exclusive. You'll be glad to know, as you may have noticed yesterday, that I'm not going to end posts with "I'm out like... what have you" nonsense anymore. C U L8R

State Birds

I have a show tonight. Hence I have expended all of my creative energies toward that end. A cop out? Perhaps. Will the live audience at tonight's rejection show notice that I've saved everything I've got for them: probably not. However, at the end of the day-forgive my use of this idiotic expression, it's one of the dumbest things that people say, as if we all sit down for a hearty reflection session at the end of the day during which we take stock of everything that's important and put life in its proper perspective-all that I can say is that I know I provided a link to introduce or refamiliarize all of us with our state birds. What's that, does the site also provide a list by bird family genus? Damn skippy. Enjoy. http://www.50states.com/bird/

Morning Dew?

Is there a female equivalent to morning wood? That was the burning question I woke up pondering this morning. I just got a $9.50 haircut. It included everything you might expect for the man unwilling to spend double digits on his grooming. The eastern european "gentleman" who was half asleep reading his newspaper when I walked in decided not to bother trying to wash the newsprint from his calloused hands but he did have sense enough to flick a switch in the backroom to ensure that I'd be soothed by the smooth sounds of sugar ray while he butchered my curly mop. Gregroy-if the nametag glued to the mirror was accurate-had a nice collection of Maxim girls cut out and taped next to the assorted glam shots. He also sipped some Lipton Brisk Iced Tea from a bottle that smelled eerily of malt liquor. The scissors he used had a nice clump of a former customer's locks wedged in them-which may not have said much of the cleanliness of the place, but at least it assured me that I wasn't the first fool to try my luck at the bargain barber. All in all though, Gregory did a decent job. Granted, upon leaving, my dry hair did not not look like a slight mullet, but after the requisite post-cut wetting, things are shaping up decently. Maybe I'll amuse myself with some more thoughts tonight as I'm trying to unwind after Tuesday night basketball. Until then, I'm out like a baseball player who failed to reach base.

Virginal Blogging

Today is my third day of unemployment. (Weekends don't count, right?) After chalking the first two days up as unpaid vacation, I've decided to make the most of my downtime and start a blog. (Note the disturbing implications of my belief that this is "making the most" of something) I can't say I'm fully comfortable about this whole process. Perhaps it's the potential recruiting of an audience that makes me feel wierd. "So, you like the internet, huh? Well how do you feel about the musings of the unemployed? Intrigued, you say, well have I got the blogspot for you." I guess I'm just like any first time blogger- feeling bashful and unsure of what I'm doing here. At least the name of my blog is fairly cool. I've always fancied my own last name, however, I fear that the hyphenated last name is a short-sighted concept. Kudos to my mom Kathy who decided that she wanted to promote equality between the sexes and not give up her maiden name Cole when she married my dad Tom Kelly* The hyphenated name is great for me, my sister Emily Cole-Kelly and my mom Kathy Cole-Kelly. But as far as the future is concerned what am I to do? If I am to embrace the egalitarian attitude that my parents promoted I'd be forced to rear a child with at least four names-five if I want to give him/her the middle name that I never had: Chad. So I guess I just have to enjoy what I've got and find a wife who isn't all progressive like my mom was. Well I don't want to bore all none of you guys, so I guess I'll call this a post. I'm out like the vast majority of light bulbs in my apartment have been for over 6 months. Peace

* not the former manager of the Minnesota Twins, though I firmly believe my dad also would have led the Twins to World Series victories in both 1987 and 1991