Open Captioning

I want to win the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. I don't know why I capitalized all those words, but I did. The penultimate issue had a picture of a guy running out of his office, dressed in a business suit, carrying a surfboard under his arm. His administrative assistant (secretary) and another guy were seated in the lobby. The caption I wanted to submit was: Joyce, Mr. Peterson, hang 10, I'm running off to an impromptu board meeting. Get it, hang 10 as in wait here for ten minutes and also a sufring expression and board meeting, as in what a businessman might have but also in this instance a surfboard meeting. It felt very New Yorkery to me. Unfortunately I didn't get it in on time. (Not submitting ever to a contest with a deadline constitutes not getting it in on time) We'll see next week what the three finalists wrote. I think you should check the contest out. It's a great excericse, particularly if you think about it while you're on an eliptical machine. This week the picture is a guy/thing in the shape of the number six holding a briefcase talking to a woman who is smiling at him. I'm torn right now between two captions: "You know, you plus me equals Betty-six." and "You know, if you change the 'i' in my my name to an 'e' you get Gel." Becasuse you think his name is six and that he's talking about sex, but his name is Gil and it makes no sense. I didn't say that either caption had any potential, I just thought I'd throw them out there. If you're going to shake your head dissaprovingly though, I won't open up to you in the future. Are you happy now? Here are some other possible captions:

"I tend to attract a lot of figure skaters." because a 6 is a perfect score in ice skating.

"Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?" because he's a number.

"You look like you could use some sixual healing." Good old fashioned family pun!

"Please, call me half a dozen." Because it's so dumb, it's almost funny.

Then again, there is the overwhelming temptation to waste my submission on something entirely un-New Yorker in tone. Perhaps

"My penis is shaped like a 4!"

OR

"And I suppose you've never wanted to wear a costume that represents the # of Pandas you hold captive in your garage?"

I'm going to play a basketball game for a friend's team at a complex called Basketball City. Sounds like my kind of town. My kind of town is definitely not my kind of expression. I'll try not to ever use it again.

Good Day then.