Homeward Bound

Nothing like the sunniest and warmest day of the spring to pack up and leave the city for a couple of days. It's cool though, weather.com leads me to believe it will be even warmer in Cleveland.

I want to open a school for dogs that specializes in teaching old dogs new tricks. How metaphorically inspirational would that be? I’ll call the school Wag the Doug- which will not only be a play on words of a movie title/expression but also will incorporate my pseudonym (Doug Pillowquilts) so as not to have my comedic reputation affect the seriousness with which I am viewed as a dog trainer.

If you were an animal that had been on the endangered species list and you discovered that you were removed from the list, do you think that would be cause for a big celebration or would you be superstitious and worry that a party might be the first step towards a quick downward spiral into extinction? If you did opt for a shindig, how would you know how much dip to make seeing as how animals have neither mailing addresses nor phones and thus cannot rsvp?

I used to get National Geographic World magazine. I don’t remember anything besides the game on the back where there were magnified pictures of different things and you had to guess what they were. I wonder if they still make World. I knew some other people who subscribed to Ranger Rick magazine, but I always viewed Ranger Rick as a cheap imitation of World; somewhat analogous to the relationship between Cracked and Madd magazines. If you don’t know which was which, than you probably read Cracked. Oddly enough (or perhaps this was the link I made in my head to connect the two) Madd magazine also did little for me besides the back cover which required folding to solve a puzzle by making a second picture out of the initial unfolded picture. I bet the guy who did those illustrations is either a direct descendant of MC Escher or he’s the guy who went on to invent the magic eye posters. No chance he’s both.

I’m headed back to Shaker Heights today for a three-day visit. It will be nice to be amidst, trees and lawns and homes and the like. It will also be nice to see the newly renovated kitchen that’s got my mom in such a tizzy. I just wanted to use the expression in a tizzy. I don’t know if it would be accurate to say the remodeling had her in a tizzy (though it probably would be) Of course it will be nice to see my mother, my father and my dog Zoey. It will be cool to see my cat as well, though Poncho and I have never lived under the same roof for more than maybe a week or two, so the bond doesn’t run as deep. No disrespect if you’re reading this Poncho.

Perhaps observations about suburbia will fuel some reinvigorated posts in the days to follow. I have trips to the dentist and DMV lined up while there so get ready to wade in some uncharted comic waters. I really know how to do it up in Cleveland.

Why haven’t they invented a pocket protector for your pants pockets? I seem to see more ink stains on pants than I do breast pockets. Somebody should invent teacher pants that come with ink resistant pocket linings and chalk stain-proof pleats. Whatever the hell pleats are.

Here’s hoping air-trans’ peanuts are honey roasted….if you know what I mean.

p.s. I meant that literally you sickos.