Read Alert

At the beginning of my senior year of high school, while preparing my personal statements for college applications, my parents encouraged me to meet with our neighbor three doors down. His name was and most likely still is Bill. Bill worked at a well respected local private high school. In addition to teaching English he specialized in preparing students for college applications and offering them guidance regarding their essays and such. I didn’t particularly want to meet with him but I failed to convince my parents that it actually could possibly hurt to give him an hour of my time.

I reluctantly met with Bill in the dining room of his home. Bill didn’t know me all that well and he figured that in order to best gauge how I should approach my personal statement he’d ask me some questions to try to get to know me a little better. It’s worth noting that Bill offered me his services for free. Talk about a kind neighborly gesture. No doubt Bill could have, and in other instances probably did charge a handsome fee for his insights. After asking me several general questions about my personality Bill asked me what my favorite book was. I am not particularly proud of this, but in high school (much like present day) I wasn’t exactly an “avid reader.” In English classes I often opted for the Cliffs Notes as a substitute rather than a complement to the actual texts. When Bill posed the question “what’s your favorite book” I panicked slightly. Given the context, Shell Silverstein, Dr. Seuss and Goodnight Moon all seemed like inappropriate responses. As I racked my brain searching for a respectable answer I remembered a book I had recently enjoyed after borrowing it from my father over a vacation.

“It’s probably this book called Rule of the Bone, by Russell Banks,” I declared to Bill. Rule of the Bone probably wasn’t my favorite book ever, but in a tight spot it seemed sufficient. Never mind that I’d only read about 175 of the 390 pages before I lost interest and gave up on it. Good thing I picked an obscure, recently released book rather than a classic that I might have to discuss with ol’ English teacher Bill. “So if you were Chappie, Adam,” Bill replied “would you have gone to Jamaica?” Uh-oh. This was not good. Chappie was the protagonist of Rule of the Bone. That much I knew. But a trip to Jamaica? Not so familiar with that plot development. So you see at this point I’m in a bit of a jam. This neighbor of mine who has ever so kindly offered to help me with my personal statement, who has welcomed me into his home, whom I have no need whatsoever to impress, who isn’t grading me or anything like that, is about to bust me telling him that the book I claimed to be my favorite book of all time is actually a book I haven’t come close to finishing. A book in which it appears I failed even to reach the main character’s central conflict. A book that he clearly has read – and I can only assume in its entirety. This was not going to look good.

Miraculously though, I managed to bullshit my way out of the situation without my fraud being discovered- so far as I could tell. I told him it was a tough call but given everything Chappie had gone through (at least during the first 8 chapters) I too probably would have gone to Jamaica. I winced internally fearing Bill would reply “actually Adam, Chappie never went to Jamaica. I was just testing you, and you failed. You were just sort of giving off this “I haven’t even read my supposed favorite book vibe.” Unfortunately I’m going to have to see to it that you don’t get into any colleges now. Do you want to tell your parents about this or should I?” Luckily Bill wasn’t a sadistic fuck and we moved on to another topic of conversation. I don’t remember what ever came of my meeting with Bill, but I do know that after I escaped it unscathed I vowed never again to declare something my favorite unless I had fully experienced it. To this day I only claim foods I’ve actually tasted to be my favorite foods, movies I’ve seen in their entirety comprise my list of favorite films and only after I saw something green did I decide green is my favorite color. It’s tough to stay true to such a stringent policy but I think it’s for the best.

After that novella, maybe I’ll break out some easy to read bullet points tomorrow. Have a nice one.