Quote Unquote Dinosaurs

I recently met somebody who had hung out with Carl Everett at a bar in Chicago this summer. That got me to remembering how Everett-a hot-tempered, fairly talented, major league outfielder-is outspoken about the fact that he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. He believes their “existence” to be a government conspiracy and he insists that there is no real proof that they ever roamed the earth. Like most people my initial reaction to hearing this was: Wow, Carl Everett is a moron. However, I think it’s much more entertaining to imagine Carl is right. For absolutely no apparent reason government officials worldwide have collaborated for years and years to put on the most elaborate showcase of “excavations” “archeological digs” “reassembled bones” “paleontology departments” and the like, all in an attempt to hoodwink us, the people of the world. And of course, having no reason to suspect any government let alone many governments coordinating their efforts of trying to carry out such a seemingly fruitless ploy, we’ve fallen for it hook, line and sinker. That is, everyone except Chicago White Sox left fielder Carl Everett. Think how fiercely that must infuriate and baffle the perpetuators of this global myth. Why!?! Why won’t you grant us the satisfaction of falling for our insanely elaborate and incomprehensibly pointless hoax Carl? How could you possibly see through our flawlessly constructed illusion? People so much smarter than you don’t even bat an eyelash at the proclamation of “new findings,” from the “Mesoziac age” yet you remain steadfast in your disbelief. How could you possibly be onto us Everett? What can we do to convince you of our harmless and unfathomably well calculated, documented and corroborated lies about these so called “dinosaurs.” Dammit Carl! Don’t deny us our satisfaction. We’ve put so much into something that we stand nothing to gain from making up, but nonetheless chose to and now we don’t even get to enjoy it because you inexplicably albeit accurately won’t buy it. Curses!

I stayed up last night to watch Craig Ferguson, the new host of the Late Late Show on CBS. I’d be lying if I said the Scottish accent isn’t charming as hell, but otherwise I feel like he’s not way way funnier than I am. It was decent though for a first show. Maybe I can get his job when Conan takes over for Leno and I can be the new Late Late night it guy, bringing my brand of wacky sarcasm to the national airwaves. Ferguson did a bit called “things you’ll never see on my show” which included having a sidekick called the vaguely racist parrot or having a segment called “if they had a unibrow” in which he showed a picture of Jennifer Garner with a unibrow- both digs at Conan, ouch! Here is a list of five things I promise not to have on my late late night talk show in the as of yet undetermined event that I get one:

5. Guests with two first names. Can’t trust ‘em. Sorry Michael Jordan, a rule is a rule.

4. Scantily clad models for roles in sketches. Take it all off or take off ladies.

3. A cheesy music themed “lesson-learned” conclusion a la Full House. That will happen between my first and second guests.

2. Foreign-born citizens in my house band-no explanation necessary.

1. A trademark sign-off. It gets stale if every show ends with the same trite goodbye, i.e. “that’s my show, if you didn’t like I don’t care because I bet you’re a lonely piece of trash. What are you doing up at this hour anyway you degenerate piece of judgmental shit. You think you could do a better job than I could? Well too bad because we’re never going to find out. Stay tuned for your late news replayed. See you tomorrow.”

Auto formatting is really aggravating. Thanks but no thanks Mr. Paper Clip, I’m actually not making an outline. How bout I’ll contact you if I need some of your “short cuts,” otherwise you keep your two cents to yourself and stay the hell off of my document. That would be great. Thanks.

My basketball team, Exree Hipp, looks to keep the perfect season alive tonight vs. the Mystery Machine. I hear Shaggy can shoot the lights out, so I better bring my A-game. Have a good day.