New Seasonal Holidays

It's groundhog's day today, or as I like to call it, enormous slap in the face to all meteorologists and people whose profession revolves around predicting the weather day. I'm pasting famed groundhog Punxsutawney Phil's decree from this morning below (from his official website)

Phil Says Six More Weeks of Winter!
HEAR YE! HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

On this Groundhog Day, February 2nd, the year 2005 on Gobbler's Knob, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil, King of the Groundhogs, Father of all Marmota, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of Prognosticators has been summoned by Groundhog President William Cooper. Phil gleefully exited his burrow at 7:31 a.m. to be greeted by his longtime friend and handler, Bill Deeley, who held him high so he could greet the large throng of Faithful Followers. He wished them all a "Happy Groundhog Day." Bill placed him atop the old oak stump where he surveyed his surroundings. He then turned to President William and in Groundhogese directed him to the scroll which reads:

Natural disasters have been a terrible thing; tsunamis,
downpours, floods, landslides, heavy snowstorms, avalanches,
frigid temperatures, sleet and freezing rain.
They all cause much destruction, suffering and pain.

When it seems like too much with which to cope;
The coming of spring brings us new hope.
Changing seasons is a wonderful thing.

Now it's Groundhog Day and we think of spring.
Will Spring come early or will it come late?

It's time for me to prognosticate.
As I study the sun
It's all about fun.
But I'm sorry to say
I see my shadow today.
When my shadow I see,
Six more weeks of winter there will be!

Upwards of 30,000 people attend this charade every year. My favorite two things from this morning's ceremony were the use of the language "groundhogese" and the attempted rhyme of tsunamis and avalanches. It's good to know though that Phil keeps up with his current events and is aware of the devastation in Asia. As long as we accept a groundhog seeing or not seeing his shadow as an indication of how long we have until spring, I think we should come up with some other rituals of equal scientific merit to determine when the other seasons are really going to kick in.

Here are my 3 other proposed holidays:

Stains day: On May 15th, Don Milkens a middle school math teacher from Buffalo, NY emerges from his classroom after his final class of the day and in front of a crowd of hundreds gathered in the hallway, lifts his arms straight up in the air revealing whether pit-stains have formed in the underarm of his Izod button down dress shirt. If pit-stains with greater than a one inch diameter appear, summer is merely three weeks away. If not, five full weeks of spring must still be endured.

Tug o' Fall day: On September 7th in a deserted lot on the grounds of what used to be Nebraska's largest T.J. Maxx, a tug of war competition between a summer lovin' pair of Donkeys named Sebastian and Clyde and an Autumn-addict Moose referred to simply as Antlers determines if fall must wait two more weeks or if much to Antlers' delight, it's already upon us.

Last Penguin Standing Day: On December 4th, 18 penguins with various dates between December 8th and January 3rd printed on signs affixed to their backs are placed in a submarine which is leaking trace amounts of carbon monoxide into the cabin. As the penguins watch the grand prize episode of 1990's America's Funniest Home Videos on a big screen television the monoxide fumes begin to displace too much oxygen from their bloodstreams for them to remain conscious. Whatever date is printed on the sign affixed to the back of the final conscious penguin is the date that winter will arrive. Immediately following this determination, the remote operated submarine returns to surface and the penguins are treated for their carbon monoxide poisoning. Typically all but one or two fully recover with fatalities quite seldom.

I don't know how I can best go about intergrating these days into our nation's yearly observance, but I figure it can't hurt to throw some solid ideas out there and hope that they stick.

p.s. Exree Hipp improved to 6-1 last night. Unfortunately while playing more basketball afterwards I jammed the sweet bejesus out of my now puffy and purple right pinky finger. Looks like I might need to get an Exree Finger.

Let's all enjoy each of the remaining six weeks of winter together.