My First Big Name Practice Interview

Recently I’ve been interviewed for some stories (as opposed to jobs) for the first couple of times in my life. Hopefully as my comedy career progresses I will be interviewed more. While I enjoyed being interviewed I feel as though I could stand some additional practice. That’s why I’ve decided to subject myself to ESPN personality Dan Patrick’s no nonsense interview of former #1 overall WNBA draft pick and current Seattle Storm point guard Sue Bird from August 20th, 2002. (The questions are unchanged)

DP: Biggest difference between college and pro hoops?
ACK: College players can’t flaunt the money they’re being paid.
DP: Oh, so we're spoiled?
ACK: I’m not sure I follow.
DP: And the fact that you don't win every night.
ACK: That’s not a question, Dan.
DP: Was that difficult, that you lose your first game in the pros, and you'd already lost more than you lost in your senior year of college?
ACK: Who are you talking to?
DP: Can you ever accept losing?
ACK: Losing is a reality. I don’t particularly like it, but when it happens, you might as well accept it.
DP: Can you teach people how to win? I look at you and I see somebody who knows how to win ... is that something you're born with or is it something that can be taught?
ACK: I don’t think I was born with the knowledge of how to win, but I learned at a very young age when my mom placed me in an obstacle course with other infants at the nursery and we all raced for a bottle of her breast milk at the finish line.
DP: You never thought about it?
ACK: No I think about that incident often. It’s actually a big source of familial tension.

DP: Is there a natural performer in you that wants to entertain?
ACK: I mean, I’m a stand-up comedian. What do you think?
DP: Would you consider yourself a showoff?
ACK: I probably throw more behind the back passes than need be.
DP: Characterize your personality on the floor.
ACK: Confused as to why I’m on the floor and usually paranoid about getting dust all over my clothes.
DP: It almost seems like you have more personality off the floor in being able to be yourself, whereas on the floor you seem a little more in control and not as animated.
ACK: I find it tough to be animated when you’re on the floor-unless you’re breakdancing.
DP: Is that on purpose?
ACK: I believe most breakdancing is intentional, yes, if that’s what you’re asking.

DP: How often does the Larry Bird question come up?
ACK: I’m not sure I’m aware of this “Larry Bird question.” Care to explain?
DP: During the course of your college career or even in the WNBA, how often has the Larry Bird question come up?
ACK: Not exactly the clarification I was looking for, but for whatever it’s worth, if I had to compare I’d guess that Larry Legend is the subject of questions more often in the WNBA than he was during my years at the University of Wisconsin.
DP: Well, thank god you don’t look like him.
ACK: What the fuck? Enough about Larry Bird. Next question.
DP: It'd be OK to play like Bird, though. How would you fare in a 3-point shooting contest with Larry?
ACK: You’ve got issues, Dan. I refuse to feed into your Larry Bird obsession.
DP: You could beat him. He's got a bad back. I think you could take him.

DP: Most extravagant purchase you've made. You signed the contract -- did you go out and get anything?
ACK: I know not of this contact you speak of, but my most extravagant purchase of late was probably the Mach 3 Power. That ad campaign got me hook line and sinker.
DP: Nothing extravagant? You didn't go out and buy jewelry, stereo, TV?
ACK: I’m going to get an ipod soon.
DP: But what are you saving for?
ACK: Rent, food, unlimited subway cards, the basics.
DP: So what's this about getting a pet monkey?
ACK: I would never do it.
DP: Why?
ACK: My apartment is predisposed to smelling enough as is.
DP: But what are you going to do with the monkey when you're gone.
ACK: You’re not a very good listener, Dan.
DP: You're going to bring the pet monkey on the road?
ACK: Is this some type of weak masturbatory reference?
DP: Maybe you could get him a uniform, have him sit on the bench.
ACK: Dude, if you like to dress up your “pet monkey” go for it , whatever floats your boat.

DP: Can you imagine a WNBA player posing for Playboy?
ACK: I’d rather not.
DP: Is there the right amount of money for you to do that?
ACK: I don't think that would ever happen.
DP: Well, you didn't say no. You said, "I don't think so." Let's say I'm Hugh Hefner and I offer you a million dollars to pose for Playboy.
ACK: I’d say I think you’re going to be alienating your fan base Hugh, but who am I to turn to seven figures.

DP: If you could have a superhuman power, what would it be?
ACK: I’d probably go for the ability to fly.
DP: What do you want to do with that?
ACK: Uh, you know… fly.

DP: Are you a crybaby when you go to the movies?
ACK: No.
DP: See, sometimes you're embarrassed to tell people that you cried at a movie, and then they say, "You cried at that movie!"
ACK: Sounds like somebody’s had their manhood questioned after a recent trip to the theater.
DP: By the way, who's playing you if someone made the movie, "The Sue Bird Story"?
ACK: I don’t know why I’d be in that movie, but somebody told me once that I look like the kid who played Charlie in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, though I suppose he’s really old now.
DP: Yeah, but you're cuter than Geena Davis.
ACK: Thanks, I guess... we’re not often compared, but I can see why you said that given the context…oh wait, no, you’re insane. This interview is over.

That was a tough interview. I felt bad walking out, but things got a little too weird for me. By the way, I started my New Year’s resolution of swimming yesterday, a mere 23 days late. Finding the balance where your goggles don’t leak in water but aren’t so tight as to leave permanent impressions on your eye sockets is quite the challenge. Here’s hoping your Tuesday is punctuated by watching the University of Wisconsin prolong their nation’s best home winning streak by knocking off the undefeated, #1 ranked Fighting Illini of Illinois tonight. Talk about mayhem in Madison baby!