Bring the mutha f-in Rutgers

My mom said she had a a tough time falling asleep last night after reading yesterday’s post right before she went to bed. My bad. I’m going to Rutgers University this evening for an intercollegiate basketball game between the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers and my beloved Wisconsin Badgers. I’ve got a great chant planned out. If Wisconsin is winning I’m gonna yell “Looks like tonight is not your knight, Rutgers” then I’ll tell people that the knight was meant to be spelled with a K, as in the Scarlet Knights. It might take a minute for people to appreciate the play on words, but once they get it, it’s really gonna smart. It’s always amusing to root for the visiting team at a sporting event. People get shockingly angry at you for liking a team that is not the popular home team. Often times the more belligerent fans assume that if you root for the opposing team that automatically means that you are also a homosexual. They do not seem to respect nor accept either of those two lifestyle choices. If I tire of dealing with such fans, I usually employ one of two tactics for defusing their attacks. If tonight for example, I wear a Wisconsin sweatshirt and people hassle me about it, I can just claim that I’m wearing it “ironically.” The second tactic for defusing aggressive home fans only comes into play after the game and if my team loses –most recently I successfully employed this tactic after a woeful Cleveland Browns defeat at Giants stadium. Basically I just wait for people to start harassing me and saying that my team sucks to which I reply “if they suck so bad how come they just beat you?” People don’t get much satisfaction arguing with me if I refuse to admit that my team lost knowing full well that they did indeed just lose. By aggravating these jerks I feel I’m scoring a mini-victory in the wake of my team’s defeat.

I was going to dissect and make fun of some the lyrics to the song Winter Wonderland- specifically the lines following “In the meadow we can build a snowman”-but I just looked up the lyrics and they aren’t what I thought they were so now I’ve got nothing. It would have been funny though had I written a bunch of stuff about lyrics that don’t even exist. Not necessarily laugh out loud funny, more like head-shaking “that Adam, what a goof he is,” funny.

I took my first stab at humor writing for my monthly high school newspaper, the Shakerite. I did top ten lists and a section called cheers and jeers. I’m going leave you with a few cheers and jeers. A little trip down memory street if you will.

Cheers to hibernation: I bet bears have wicked big eye boogers when they wake up

Jeers to guys wearing Ugg boots: You look ridiculous, man.

Cheers to Pangea: What a concept! (I wrote that in 1997)

Jeers to the Samsung sch A310 cellphone: A piece of shit in every sense of the phrase