Statistics 303A

I think it's high time that I start allowing for more personal glimpses into my life here. I've decided to start this process today by sharing some interesting stats about the apartment in which I live and the contents therein. It may interest you to know that in my apartment:

There are more greater-than-life-size-eerily-real-looking-cardboard cutouts of Olsen Twins (2) than there are windows (1). However, I like to think that Mary Kate and Ashley offer me a window into my own soul, so that kind of evens things out.

There are also five times as many bottles of tonic water in our fridge (5) as there are non-condiments in the entire thing (one jar of Spanish capers- and that's even essentially a condiment.)

We have an equal number of NBA regulation sized basketballs and spoons (4.)

The deck of cards to inhabitant ratio stands at 3.33:1.

Surfboard and Dartboard? Check and check. Ironing Board? Not so much.

There are as many spare cinder blocks (3) as there are "bedrooms."

There are half the number of bunny-ear antennas as there are DVD’s of ‘The Fisher King’.

The number of times the oven has been used in the past 18 months plus the number of times the guitar in our living room has been taken out of its case in the past 6 months is the same as the number of 2004 Zagat restaurant guides we would have if we threw both of our copies away.

Don't you feel closer to me now? Anyway, don't get me wrong. Our apartment is great in a lot of ways. There as many feet to the ceiling (17) as there have been different people spending the night on the futon since the New Year. Did I mention there are two slightly bigger than life-size Olsen Twin cardboard cutouts for every spiral staircase? By the way, we actually only have one copy of The Fisher King on DVD.

Thanks to Jon and Weiner Philharmonic for having me open at their whale-of-a-good-time sketch show last night.

Don't let the snowflakes prevent you from coming out to see a stellar lineup and me tonight at the Welcome To Our Week show. It'll be worth the trek. I pinky swear it. (8pm, Rififi / Cinema Classics, 332 East 11th St. between 1st & 2nd Ave., 212-677-1027, Admission: FREE!)

Do you think one can get that waffle pattern on a shirt by ironing the shirt with a waffle iron? Don't think too hard, I'll let you know soon enough.

With a tip of my cap I offer a heartfelt "Evenin'."