Dustin' material off like my name was...uh, Dustin.

On this sweltering day I thought I’d leaf through some of my joke/idea notebooks and share some ideas that either never made it to the stage or only made one appearance and then were (prematurely? you be the judge) retired…until now:

I like the word ostentatious because it kind of personifies itself. Anybody who uses it is making an ostentatious display of their own vocabulary. (And yes I realize I’m being a hypocrite.)

I tried to feed my parking meter yesterday but apparently parking meters don’t like coleslaw. I even tried to entice him with the fork airplane delivery, but he was stubborn, so I gave him stupid filthy change and ate the slaw myself. Your loss, meter on Mott Street. (That last sentence was brand new, did it read fresh?)

H and H bagels claims to have bagels like no other bagels in the world. I don’t want that. If they served me what looked, felt and tasted like a crowbar, that would be like no other bagel in the world. How about a bagel similar to other bagels in many ways only it tastes way better?

Hey car dealerships, nobody knows what apr financing is so stop yapping about it on your commercials, capiche?

No matter how shitty a day a left-handed person may be having, I bet when he/she gets home and starts cutting things with their comfortably fitting left-handed scissors, suddenly things don’t seem so bad.

I think instant win lotto tickets should be scratch n’ sniff, because nothing softens the blow of not winning money like the artificial scent of root beer.

I’ll leave you with a simultaneously earth-shattering and mind-blowing thought:

I think it’s time for a new Weird Al for the next generation andI think he should call himself Peanut Eminem. I bet that would really irritate Eminem, particularly if he has a peanut allergy. I’ll have to look into that.

June 9th 2005: She’s only here for a day people, why not show her a good time?