what's news

So it's Wednesday. I lost my cell phone and I feel totally detached from the outside world. I used to think it was remarkable that one could feel so dependent on technology that didn't exist a mere 15 years ago, but now I think it's remarkable how detached everyone must have been for the entirity of history before cell phones were around.

What better way to reach out in this time of isolation than via my blog. Rather than come up with fresh ideas why not recycle material that failed to make it on to the show for which I work. Brilliant.

How about a monologue type joke?

The Girls Gone Wild company recently announced plans to donate 100% of their proceeds from all Mardi-Gras themed DVD’s to the Red Cross to help Hurricane Katrina victims. And believe me, after promptly marching out to pick up the Mardi Gras 3 pack DVD, I can assure you that a charitable contribution has never before been packaged with so much shame. Nonetheless, it’s great that Girls Gone Wild is taking steps to help rebuild the gulf region. One can only hope it’s just a matter of time until Snoop dogg and his camera crew are back walking the streets of the French Quarter convincing shit-faced sorority girls to flash for plastic beads. What better way to for New Orleans to the show the world its resiliency?

Hilarious, no?

Then there is a segment at the end of our show called Happy ending news. We take bad news and try to put a positive twist on it. There is the story and then the: "the good news is" portion.

Here are some of the feeble attempts I ventured in this arena:

A newly discovered dog virus that has killed dogs in 7 states is creating concern for animal lovers because researchers say there is no vaccine and they fear that the North American dog population may be 100%, wholly susceptible. The good news is- the new disease does not prevent dogs from being able to lick their own genitals.

cause how bad can things really be when you can lick your own genitals. Am I right?

Get a load of these three bird flu related knee-slappers

Fears of an outbreak and possible global bird flu pandemic mounted this week as officials in Indonesia reported an alarming number of deaths and illnesses caused by the virus. As scary a prospect as that may be, the good news is- a 12 piece bucket at the Jakarta KFC has never been cheaper.

With the seasonal migration of millions of birds kicking into gear, American health officials are bracing for what World Health Organization Director-General Dr. Lee Jong-wook called “ a virtually inevitable bird flue pandemic.” The good news is the immediate area of concern is Alaska – home to nobody anyone knows or cares about.

This week at a meeting in DC the director-general of the World Health Organization declared that a bird flu pandemic was virtually inevitable. I suppose the good news is we can finally all agree that when a bird craps on you it is definitely not a good luck omen.

Who knew a deadly virus could be so rich in comedic value? Not I!

Time for me to go home. Hope everyone keeps keep on keeping on.