October showers bring soaking wet jeans

I can't believe I haven't posted in over two weeks. I guess when you're busy churning out supremely important jokes for the highest rated show in television history you tend to lose sight of your personal blog. That doesn't have anything to do with my situation, but I imagine that would be the case if I were doing things of that nature.

Here are a couple of jokes that didn't quite make it on air that I feel are worthy of at least 18 people viewing. The first one is for a segment called happy ending news. A piece of bad news is presented than a postitive spin is put on it. Like so:

An Oregon woman is suing her doctor and his medical clinic for 4 million dollars after he convinced her that he could cure her lower back pain by having sex with her. The good news is…she’ll be damned if her back doesn’t feel phenomenal!

Then there was the story about American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino's revealing book. Which inspired this tasteful barb:

In her forthcoming memoirs “Life Is Not a Fairy Tale” American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino reveals that she is functionally illiterate. In addition to inspiring others, Fantasia hopes that her story will one day be read to her.

Don't feel too bad though, it's not as if she might read this. Boo. That's mean. I know. But it's better to write mean things about the illiterate than it is to say them. At least I'm not asking her to write mean things about herself. That would be extraordinarily cruel.

There are posters all over New York of people with all these bruises and nasty looking sores and what have you all over their faces. The adds are quite off-putting and the message is "you'd notice hepatitis C if it attacked your face." Yeah but it doesn't. Don't try to raise our awareness of a disease by showing symptoms of it in an unrealistic manner. That would be like a poster for meningitis that had a guy with MENINGITIS Tattoed in big bold letters across his forehead that said "You'd notice Meningitis if you had it tattoed on your forehead." Thanks, but that's not how it goes down you unhelpful hepatitis-c awareness campaign imbeciles.

Alright then. Glad to have gotten that off of my chest. Here's wishing you not so soggy socks and a Thursday night like you would only to dare to dream off. Because as we all know, it's easy to dream of outrageous escapades so long as somebody poses a challenge to you in the form of a dream.

Bye now.