Ripe with Comedy

You know a peach is too old when it can grow a full beard.

I wish more people asked me for advice on buying produce. I would abuse the trust that people placed in me by instructing them to do ridiculous things to determine the freshness of assorted fruits and vegetables like so:

PERSON SEEKING MY ADVICE
“Oh Adam, he who possesses great wisdom about Kiwi ripeness, how might I go about selecting the best Kiwi from my grocer’s produce bin?”

ME
“Kiwis, like plants, enjoy being talked to, however, kiwis have a devious side. They actually prefer being scolded. Take a kiwi in your palm and give it the reprimanding of its lifetime. The more detailed your tongue-lashing the better. Make that piece of exotic seed-filled fruit wish it had never been pollinated. Something along the lines of ‘Oh you think it’s cute to doctor photos of people's family members and post them on the internet do you? Well we’ll see how cute you feel when I shove you down the garbage disposal and leave it on until the gears jam. Yeah, that’s right, we’re not in your indigenous Southwest China anymore, are we? No sir-kiwi-bob!’ might work. As your putting a serious scare into the Kiwi, you’ll notice the velvety red hairs coating its skin will stiffen. The stiffer the hairs the more responsive the kiwi and the more responsive the kiwi, the sweeter and juicier it will taste.”

Here is a second example:

DIFFERENT PERSON SEEKING MY ADVICE (WEARING A CAP)
“Hey Adam, rumor has it you’re the guy to ask when it comes to selecting the best cucumbers. What’s the trick to it?”

ME (NO CAP)
“I’m glad you asked. A lot of people rely on the shade of green and firmness of cukes. Others simply grab whatever is there and don’t give it a seconds thought. But if you truly want to feast on cucumber as it’s meant to be feasted upon you must find the most reactive one. I can already predict you’re asking ‘reactive to what?’ well hold your horses friend, I’m going to tell you. Take this car battery. Go ahead, take it. As you can see it’s a Die Hard, don’t ever use a generic brand. Now, all you need to do is bring this battery, one jumper cable and a thermos full of warm- not hot -water and you’re good to go. Simply affix the cable to the battery, clamp onto the cucumber at the point where its circumference is greatest and squeeze three drops of warm water from the thermos onto either end of the cucumber- I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to bring a baster for that part. The cucumber that absorbs the water the most slowly is the one you want to take home with you. I know the battery and cable may seem extraneous, but believe me, they are most essential to this process.”

I agree, I should have quit after the kiwi example. Actually, I wrote the cucumber one first and the kiwi afterwards and switched them around because the kiwi one was infinitely better, but I didn’t have the heart to delete the cucumber one. There’s your little peek into my creative process you peeping tom.

The Rejection Show is up for an Emerging Comics of New York award tonight in the Best Comedy/Variety show category, but even if we win, we don’t get to accept the award on stage. If the event was televised perhaps the camera would pan to us in the audience, but it’s not, so I don’t know what we’ll do. Stand and curtsey? Wave and curtsey? I don’t really know for sure, but I’ll be damned if I don’t curtsey.

Bidding you adieu with a curtsey so graceful and elegant you just shat yourself.