Jokes Taste Good

What's cracking everybody? I'm battling a slight sore throat. I'll be sure to keep you updated on how things progress on that front. So this past week I submitted a handful of jokes to be on a tv show but they were not used. I thought some of the jokes were funny so I'm going to share them with you guys right now. Here they are:

According to a new poll 75 percent of Americans say they believe there has been significant progress in achieving Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream of racial equality. Though blacks were more skeptical, it’s hard to tell from the poll results because their responses were only counted as 3/5ths of a response.

Leyan Lo, a 20 year-old California Institute of Technology student has set a new world record after solving the Rubik’s Cube puzzle in 11.13 seconds. With his record time Lo will now have an astonishing 23 hours 59 minutes and 48.87 seconds per day to get a life.

Kaylee Reynolds, a 2-year-old Massachusetts girl, received a jury summons this week. Upon receiving the summons Reynolds promptly filled her diaper with jury doodie… I’m groaning on the inside too.

A new study shows that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who do not…unless of course the couples watch nightly re-runs of ‘Coach’ in the bedroom, in which case they tend to bone the night away- what can I say, T. Nelson makes the ladies hot.

Hard to believe any show could deny those zingers right?

Also Kobe Bryant's ridiculous 81 point performance Sunday night reminded me of some comments he made after he scored 62 points in just three quarters last month against the Mavericks. When a reporter asked Kobe to talk about his performance, Kobe said "You know, it was just special to be part of something like that." It was just special to be part of something like that? Isn’t that what his teammates are supposed to say? You can’t say it was special to be part of my own amazing accomplishment. That’s absurd. Basically what he tried to say was that he was humbled by how fucking awesome he is. Only an athlete would ever say something like that. Imagine if Phillip Seymour Hoffman won the Oscar for Best Actor this year and he said “First of all, I just have to say what an honor and privilege it was to share the screen with an actor of my talents. There were times while we were filming when I just had to stand back and say wow, I am so lucky to be witnessing my phenomenal acting ability firsthand. Thanks. I couldn’t have done this without me.

I look forward to catching each and every one of you guys on the flip side.