The Dry of the Storm

I know there are still an infant sized handful of you out there who periodically check in hoping maybe today will be the day that I've updated the hyphen. Well, you're in luck. I've been moved to write again-thanks in no small part to the hand dryer located in the men's room at Coppersmith's Bar on 9th avenue between 53rd and 52nd streets. Presumably the same monument to gratuitous engineering exists in the women's room, though I didn't drink to the point of finding out first hand. Then again, upon further consideration I'm not sure the delicate hands of a lady could withstand the fury of this beast. Normally I skip the hand dryer because a guy in college once told me about a report he saw on 20/20 that said that because hand dryers blast your hands with germ-infested bathroom air you might as well not even wash your hands if you use one. You gotta love those reports that permanently ruin unavoidable things for you forever, like that special that examined hotel bed spreads under black lights and found that most of them are less sanitary than hand-me-down diaphragms. Sometimes ignorance is bliss 20/20, jerks. But I'm getting off track so let's go back to Coppersmith's. My buddy BA came back from the bathroom talking about how crazy the hand dryer was so the next time I went to tinkle I disregarded my germaphobic tendencies and gave the dryer a whirl. I'm furious at myself for not remembering the name of the model, but it was something absurd like the Dry-Nado 5000 and a sticker adorned her shiny silver facade that read: "Feel the Power." I expected to be underwhelmed and initially I was as the machinery didn't start firing on all cylinders for a couple of seconds. But once that engine was fully revved things got out of control. The roaring jet stream of gale force wind practically altered the material composition of my skin. I've never thought of myself as having flabby hands but those dryer gusts jiggled my loose hand skin as if it was Rosie O'Donnell's fleshy non-tricep. I don't know if you've ever seen pictures of a person's face when they're sky-diving but that's what my hands looked like- and I imagine the experience was just as thrilling as jumping out of plane too. Considering the category five strength of the wind generated I'd venture to guess this hand dryer uses the same amount of energy in one 30 second cycle as all of Times Square uses to stay lit up for a decade. What I'm trying to say here is that the hand dryer in the bathroom at Coppersmith's is unusually powerful. They also have a tasty burger served with a pint of Bud for 8 bucks on Wednesday nights. So go there and try for yourself-unless you suffer from leprosy, in which case don't even go near the bathroom or you might emerge with the hands of a skeleton.

Other than marveling at hand dryers I've been working for a show called Stand Up Nation with Greg Giraldo. It's on Comedy Central Friday night's (and Saturday morning technically) from 10pm -12:30am. It's so good they want it to air over two days. Most of my hilarious writing has been dedicated to this show of late, hence my blog absence. However, I've accumulated quite a stockpile of jokes that I've decided I'm ready to share with you. Here is a sampling to whet your appetite. Enjoy:

President Bush recently warned Americans that soaring gas prices are going to make for a “tough summer.” Bush said he realizes this may prevent millions of American’s from going on summer trips but he still encouraged everybody to use all 145 of their vacation days.

Thanks to the soaring gas prices public transit systems across the USA are seeing a huge increase in ridership. It’s crazy, the other day on the subway I saw a poster for that movie Silent Hill and there were already 8 penises drawn on the girl's face.

At a Tennessee national park a six year old girl was killed when she was pounced on by a black bear. A suspect bear was caught three days later and killed, but forensic tests have yet to establish whether it was the killer. That's just awful, it's 2006 and a black bear still can’t get a fair trial in the South. And you know they all look the same to the authorities.

On his recently released audio tape Osama Bin Laden called for a global Muslim boycott of American goods... except for those urinal cakes that have his face on them. He’ heard about those but he said he needs to see ‘em to believe ‘em.

(These are sad stories we try to give a positive spin to)

This is Earlier this week four bus loads of high achieving middle school students from Nevada made a four-hour trip to a Six Flags amusement park in California only to discover the park was closed. The good news is for most of those kids it was their first chance to sit in the back of the bus.

A St. Louis radio host who was fired after calling Condoleeza Rice “coon” when he meant to say “coup” is back on the air. The good news is it turns out all these years he’s just been meaning to complain about his wife’s filthy cut.

I'm not going to try to top a filthy cut punch-line. I'll leave you with that for today but it's good to be back and I hope to revisit with all of you again shortly.