Tips for Tomorrow

Hey everybody, it's the day before Valentines Day but there is no need to panic. I'm here to help you navigate what has been called "the most challenging day in the history of United States history," by somebody who wasn't afraid to make bold claims nor to use history twice within the span of five words.

If you are not engaged to be married, like I am, chances are romance isn't exactly your strong suit. Be that as it may, you don't have to spend this February 14th like so many in your past- pouring pint after pint of delicious beer atop your lonely soul, playfully flirting with strangers at the bar so that maybe for a minute you'll forget that you're not overpaying for a prix fixe dinner that you can't enjoy because you're now totally convinced that you should have gone with the necklace rather than the earrings.

No, lovelorn friend, this Valentines Day you get to wield Cupid's bow and arrow- you will either blindside him with a diving elbow drop and take everything he has, which surprisingly includes $224 in cash, or it will just be metaphorically speaking.

They key to securing your desired Valentine's heart lies in the cards. That's not a metaphor, you need to give her/him an irresistible greeting card.

Here are my failsafe suggestions: (If you prefer written descriptions of cards to visuals, you're doubly in luck!)

If you really like somebody but you are not sure how they feel about you, give them this card:

FRONT OF CARD: (Picture of guy flying off of the roof of a building)
My Love for you makes me feel like I can fly!

INSIDE OF CARD: (Picture of same guy beginning to plummet toward ground)
But if you don't love me too, I'll probably fall to my death. Do you love me, Valentine?

In addition to giving your prospective Valentine a good laugh, you'll put her in a position where she'll have no choice but to let you know her true feelings- bonus!


This next card is ideal to give to your friend who is single and cute.

FRONT OF CARD: (Picture of person sitting on the floor of an empty room, with arms wrapped around legs, looking down, forehead on knees)

Why Be Alone On Valentines Day?

INSIDE OF CARD: (Picture of home pregnancy test with minus sign)
It will only make our friendship awkward if you get pregnant.

Hand over that card and start reaping friendship benefits galore.

Last and quite possibly least, a card for that struggling relationship that is just as likely to survive this difficult stretch and lead to marital bliss as it is to fully dissolve before your server wheels over the dessert tray tomorrow night.

FRONT OF CARD: (Picture of roller coaster)
We've certainly had our share of ups and downs...

INSIDE OF CARD: (Picture of your girlfriend's hot friend Beth)
But on this night, even if it's only one night, how 'bout that three-way with Beth you mentioned that first night we met? Just gimme a nod and I'll shoot her the text message I've spent weeks composing, right now. Seriously, my thumb is already touching the send button, you nod, I press. Or are you all talk? Happy Valentines Day.

Your welcome threesome participants.

Hope these last minute Valentines Day ideas allow you to right your capsizing loveboat.

I love all of you.