Breaking down the South Region

The lone region I’ve yet to forecast with alarming accuracy is the South. Let’s get to it.

Central Connecticut State over Ohio State- Caught up in all the pre-tournament hoopla Buckeye Freshman Greg Oden forgets to take his daily fiber and arthritis meds and is a complete non-factor. Central Connecticut earns 6 crucial points off of technical fouls as OSU coach Thad Matta thrice steps onto the court during game play to pick up pieces of debris that he thinks might be chewing gum.

Brigham Young over Xavier. In the fiercest religious-athletic conflict since Pope John Paul II out-bowled the Dalai Lama back in 1989 the Mormons triumph over the Jesuits. After catching an episode of Big Love in the hotel room the night before the game several Musketeer players will spend too much time asking Cougar players to explain what Roman and the compound are all about.

Tennessee over Long Beach State. Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl will get the most out his team with a rousing halftime speech in which he threatens to ride the team bus back to the hotel wearing nothing but orange body paint if the Vols don’t pick it up in the second half. The 49ers- more like the 86eders after the tournament is all out of them- cause they lost. Take that.

Virginia over Albany. The Cavaliers will take the Great Daynes for a walk and make the Great Daynes pick up their own poop. They will not do anything to help the Great Daynes when the Great Daynes get wicked, wicked fleas. The game may only last 40 minutes but that’s whatever 7 X 40 is in dog minutes so the Great Daynes will be way tired. In summation the Great Daynes will be too busy licking their own genitals to win the basketball game.

Louisville over Stanford. The classic battle of the Cardinals versus the Cardinal. Everybody knows many cardinals are better than just one, especially when that one is a tree and the many are birds. I can’t find it online to show you but trust me, earlier this year Stanford forward Lauren Hill had the most ridiculous looking bowl cut fade I’ve ever seen. Anyone with judgment that bad hurts his teams chances of winning. Speaking of hair, I’m pretty psyched to see that creative in-hair designs are regaining favor in the black community. Several college basketball players have showcased some impressive hair-artistry, highlighted by Michigan’s Brett Petway.
Somewhere Anthony Mason is smiling.

Texas A&M over Penn. Texas A&M is going to win the whole tournament. The only tournament Penn is likely to win is the tournament for universities from which my cousin graduated that I also attended on a model united nations conference in high school. I’d like to see the One Shining Moment highlight package equivalent at the end of that tournament. It would probably be lots of my cousin hanging out with his freshman year roommate Jon Legend (no the other Jon Legend) and me passing flirtatious notes to the hot delegates from El Salvador.

Creighton over Nevada. How long has Nevada’s Nick Fazekas been the best player we’ve never heard of? Too long. Fazekas proves not to be the most valuable white guy on a mid major who’s seemingly been in college forever with the initials NF when Creighton’s Nate Funk hits a game winning shot of either the one, two or three point variety. Fazekas misses a full court heave at the buzzer and teammates question his strategy of going for the rock and jock 25 point basket that is 20 feet high.

Memphis over North Texas. I desperately want to pick North Texas because their nickname is the Mean Green. That’s the best adjective color combo in their dubious history of nicknames. Prior to this they were the Silly Yellow and before that the Quiet Pink. Memphis’ Joey Dorsey, perhaps the hardest dunking man in the collegiate ranks, will humiliate North Texas with a barrage of power slams leaving the Mean Green more like the Sad Brown (because they’ll be shitting themselves in amazement)

There you have it, all the first round games. When you factor in the play-in game I’ll be 33 for 33 heading into Saturday which is pretty impressive I think. Don’t forget to send me a generous chunk of your winnings. Enjoy the games.