Free NCAA Predictions!

I don’t want to say I’m both a genius and a psychic, but I think the facts speak pretty loudly. In my previous post I predicted that Niagara would win by 8 tonight and sure as sugar they won by 8. I’ve never been more proud. Okay, now it’s time to chop off the mid and take a look at the straight up West.

Niagara over Kansas- Last time I checked no six Jayhawks got together off campus to hospitalize a member of the KU baseball team. Soar on Purple Eagles.

Villanova over Kentucky. As the cheeseball announcers are sure to say at least five times during the course of the broadcast: I’ll bet you anything the Wildcats win this game. But seriously folks, I’m here all weekend. Nova prevails when Kentucky has neither the answer for the length nor the width of senior point guard Mike Nardi’s sideburns.

Virginia Tech over Illinois. I believe it was Dr. James Naismith, inventor of the sport, who said “Never bet against a Hokie named Zabian.” For over 100 years these words seemed like conclusive evidence that Naismith was a peach basket loving, nonsense spewing, nut-job. But ever since Virgina Tech successfully recruited 6’3’’ guard Zabian Dowdell, Naismith’s words have proved prophetic- except for the 50 or so times Tech has lost during Zabian’s career. On Friday Naismith will have the last laugh as the Hokies trounce the mascot-less Illini.

Southern Illinois over Holy Cross. I’ve watched several Southern Illinois games on tv this season and all I gotta say is those young men are exceptionally well-built. I haven’t seen Holy Cross but I can’t imagine the Crusader players having such nice figures. SIU muscles out a W.

Virginia Commonwealth over Duke. Basketball analysts like to talk about the impact that “the name on the jersey” has on the other team. VCU’s jerseys may only say VCU since Virginia Commonwealth is so long, but what’s implied is a belief in the association of autonomous states. If you think a commonwealth would ever succumb to a ruler of a continental European Duchy, you’re totally dumb. The Rams will rule over the Blue Devils.

Wright State over Pittsburgh. A quote from the Wright State capsule from Monday’s USA TODAY: “the Raiders won’t be intimidated by anyone.” Without the option of the intimidation factor Pitt will be forced to comfort the Raiders. This will be very awkward and exhausting for the Panthers. Furthermore, the fact that Pitt forward Levon Kendall is named Levon but is white (and Canadian no less) will finally cost both Levon and his team in crunch time.

Gonzaga over Indiana. Gonzaga will feed off the energy of extremely animated suspended forward Josh Heytvelt as he sits behind the bench absolutely tripping balls. Indiana will not be able to overcome guard Earl Calloway sounding like the name of an influential jazz musician of the Harlem Renaissance.

UCLA over Weber State. UCLA coach Ben Howland is an Alumnus of Weber State. Unfortunately he implores his Bruins to take out all of his undergraduate sexual frustration for him (figuratively) on the overmatched Wildcats. At least Weber State fans can take solace in the fact that their school continues to manufacture the best and most frequently mispronounced grills on the market.

I’m looking forward to completing your guide to a perfect first round of tournament picks tomorrow. Nighty night.