what's in a name? you don't even know the half

There were so many victims of Hurricane Katrina, but one group of people that I fear is being overlooked is all the kids out there that have been born in the past couple years who were named Hurricane Katrina. Think about what a negative association people are now going to have with their name. These poor kids’ parents probably had no idea when they settled on Hurricane Katrina that their precious child’s name would eventually be synonymous with one of the most devastating natural disasters in American history. It’s the same thing with all those unfortunate souls born prior to the onset of the Third Reich who were named The Holocaust. Neither they nor their parents could have had any clue at the time of their birth that that name would go on to represent such a tragic event. That’s just unpredictably awful, awful luck for those groups of people. Tough break guys. Just because your name is tied to a horrible event doesn’t make you a horrible person.

Have a good weekend. And may the Indians please make the playoffs.

what's news

So it's Wednesday. I lost my cell phone and I feel totally detached from the outside world. I used to think it was remarkable that one could feel so dependent on technology that didn't exist a mere 15 years ago, but now I think it's remarkable how detached everyone must have been for the entirity of history before cell phones were around.

What better way to reach out in this time of isolation than via my blog. Rather than come up with fresh ideas why not recycle material that failed to make it on to the show for which I work. Brilliant.

How about a monologue type joke?

The Girls Gone Wild company recently announced plans to donate 100% of their proceeds from all Mardi-Gras themed DVD’s to the Red Cross to help Hurricane Katrina victims. And believe me, after promptly marching out to pick up the Mardi Gras 3 pack DVD, I can assure you that a charitable contribution has never before been packaged with so much shame. Nonetheless, it’s great that Girls Gone Wild is taking steps to help rebuild the gulf region. One can only hope it’s just a matter of time until Snoop dogg and his camera crew are back walking the streets of the French Quarter convincing shit-faced sorority girls to flash for plastic beads. What better way to for New Orleans to the show the world its resiliency?

Hilarious, no?

Then there is a segment at the end of our show called Happy ending news. We take bad news and try to put a positive twist on it. There is the story and then the: "the good news is" portion.

Here are some of the feeble attempts I ventured in this arena:

A newly discovered dog virus that has killed dogs in 7 states is creating concern for animal lovers because researchers say there is no vaccine and they fear that the North American dog population may be 100%, wholly susceptible. The good news is- the new disease does not prevent dogs from being able to lick their own genitals.

cause how bad can things really be when you can lick your own genitals. Am I right?

Get a load of these three bird flu related knee-slappers

Fears of an outbreak and possible global bird flu pandemic mounted this week as officials in Indonesia reported an alarming number of deaths and illnesses caused by the virus. As scary a prospect as that may be, the good news is- a 12 piece bucket at the Jakarta KFC has never been cheaper.

With the seasonal migration of millions of birds kicking into gear, American health officials are bracing for what World Health Organization Director-General Dr. Lee Jong-wook called “ a virtually inevitable bird flue pandemic.” The good news is the immediate area of concern is Alaska – home to nobody anyone knows or cares about.

This week at a meeting in DC the director-general of the World Health Organization declared that a bird flu pandemic was virtually inevitable. I suppose the good news is we can finally all agree that when a bird craps on you it is definitely not a good luck omen.

Who knew a deadly virus could be so rich in comedic value? Not I!

Time for me to go home. Hope everyone keeps keep on keeping on.

I am proud of the Cleveland Indians

So a lot has happened to me, and the world at large since last I blogged on here. I am now working for a new show called Friday Night with Greg Giraldo. It’ll premiere next Friday on Comedy Central. I am the writer’s assistant but I try to focus on the non ‘s assistant part.

I’m off to Madison for a weekend of reliving college glory and hopefully witnessing the Wisconsin Badgers defeat the Michigan Wolverines for the first time in roughly forever.

I saw a story a couple of days ago about Lions eating 20 villagers outside of Addis Ababa, Ethiopa. I feel badly and all for the victims but hello? Why did you guys move to frickin Addis Ababa Ethiopa? Especially if you think a Lion would be able to take you in a fight to the death. Again though, it sucks that all those villagers were eaten.

Last time I wrote that I would talk about my pedicure experience. Here’s an abridged version. It’s somewhat uncomfortable to have somebody crouching at your feet. But damn do they do a number on your puppies. For lack of a less racially stereotypical analogy the Asian woman tending to my toes filed my nails back and forth as if she was vigorously practicing violin. It was slightly disconcerting when she and the woman working next to her began speaking in a foreign tongue. I figured she was either saying: “This guy’s toejam smells like 17 year old vomit that’s been preserved in a time capsule that was just opened.” Or: “Perhaps college would have opened more doors for me. “
Regardless, my feet were softer than a down pillow covered with moss when all was said and done.

Have a weekend and a third.

A benefit with benefits... if you know what I mean

That's right, I'm having sex with the benefit that I'm performing at tonight. That doesn't even make a little bit of sense.

Anyhow, here is the scoop on the benefit:

THURSDAY, 9/15 @ PADDY REILLEY'S (29th Street and 2nd Avenue), 6PM-CLOSE

There will be happy hour prices all night, a raffle including prizes such as an ipod shuffle and stand up performances by Believe the Hyphen blogger Adam Cole-Kelly, Jon Friedman, and Rich Zeroth.

The money raised is going to a friend of a friend (of a friend) who lost all her stuff in the hurricane. She, her husband and their unborn first child are looking to move back to NYC. If you were considering going out for some drinks tonight, why not take them down for a good cause, at discounted prices and with the chance to win some cool prizes and hear some sure to make you gasp for air because your laughing so damn hard stand up comedy?

See you there then.

I know I wrote yesterday that I would describe my first pedicure today but I'm nothing if not not a man of my word.

Even though I've just asserted it's worthlessness- I give you my word that I'll write about the experience when next I tend this garden of thought.

Have a night filled with the same delicious creme they put in twinkies.

Parental Advice

If you are thinking about naming your kid Victor, you need to consider the type of expectations that go along with that. He's going to assume he gets the spoils. Are you prepared to provide him with the spoils? Think about that long and hard before you set him for a lifetime of disappointment. And since when is the name Len not good enough for you?

Unless you were there, you missed a stellar installment of the Rejection Show last night. All of the performers were hilarious-me especially.

I'm going to be performing tomorrow at a benefit/fund raiser for a family trying to move back to NYC after having lost everything they had to Katrina-the hurricane, not that klepto Katrina Mitchell from 8th grade.

In addition to posting the info about tomorrow's event I will also delight you with an account of my very first pedicure which I received this afternoon.

I look forward to relieving your bated breath.

With two hard d sounds have a good Wednesday.

Pulling over to talk

If I seem a little distracted in my typing, it's because I am. See I've been thinking a lot lately and I've decided that it's time for me to have a big talk with someone. I've been putting this off for a long time and I'm not at all looking forward to the can of emotional worms this is sure to open, but I can't keep pretending what is the case is not the case. I need to step up and do what's right. I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to tell that stretch of interstate 95 between Norwalk and Stamford that it is adopted. It's only fair it knows.