Sonic's got it...but nobody wants it

The fast food chain Sonic has a pretty enormous advertising budget when you consider the fact that nobody I've ever met has ever seen one let alone eaten there. Have any of you guys ever dined at a Sonic? Or perhaps it would be more fitting to ask, have any of you have allowed any Sonic to pass through you? Most fast food commercials can at least make their food look appetizing with the magic of television, but in all Sonic ads the Sonic fare looks positively inedible. Might that be the first time the phrase Sonic fare has been used? Does anybody even know what I'm talking about? Nevermind then.

In other news, remember that sore throat I wrote about a couple days ago? C'mon concentrate, now do you remember it? Well, it's gone, but a killer cold has taken it's place. If snot were money I'd have a ridiculous amount of cash crinkled up in tissues in my wastepaper basket. By the way, wastepaper basket is easily the best of all the countless names for a trash receptacle. There are far more words for trash cans or rubbish bins or garbage or what have you than need be. Can't we all agree on the superiority and unnecesary wordiness of wastepaper basket? Good, then it's settled.

Alright, I gotta go to the ATM (a.k.a. blow my nose)

Later

Jokes Taste Good

What's cracking everybody? I'm battling a slight sore throat. I'll be sure to keep you updated on how things progress on that front. So this past week I submitted a handful of jokes to be on a tv show but they were not used. I thought some of the jokes were funny so I'm going to share them with you guys right now. Here they are:

According to a new poll 75 percent of Americans say they believe there has been significant progress in achieving Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream of racial equality. Though blacks were more skeptical, it’s hard to tell from the poll results because their responses were only counted as 3/5ths of a response.

Leyan Lo, a 20 year-old California Institute of Technology student has set a new world record after solving the Rubik’s Cube puzzle in 11.13 seconds. With his record time Lo will now have an astonishing 23 hours 59 minutes and 48.87 seconds per day to get a life.

Kaylee Reynolds, a 2-year-old Massachusetts girl, received a jury summons this week. Upon receiving the summons Reynolds promptly filled her diaper with jury doodie… I’m groaning on the inside too.

A new study shows that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who do not…unless of course the couples watch nightly re-runs of ‘Coach’ in the bedroom, in which case they tend to bone the night away- what can I say, T. Nelson makes the ladies hot.

Hard to believe any show could deny those zingers right?

Also Kobe Bryant's ridiculous 81 point performance Sunday night reminded me of some comments he made after he scored 62 points in just three quarters last month against the Mavericks. When a reporter asked Kobe to talk about his performance, Kobe said "You know, it was just special to be part of something like that." It was just special to be part of something like that? Isn’t that what his teammates are supposed to say? You can’t say it was special to be part of my own amazing accomplishment. That’s absurd. Basically what he tried to say was that he was humbled by how fucking awesome he is. Only an athlete would ever say something like that. Imagine if Phillip Seymour Hoffman won the Oscar for Best Actor this year and he said “First of all, I just have to say what an honor and privilege it was to share the screen with an actor of my talents. There were times while we were filming when I just had to stand back and say wow, I am so lucky to be witnessing my phenomenal acting ability firsthand. Thanks. I couldn’t have done this without me.

I look forward to catching each and every one of you guys on the flip side.

My Debut Rap Single

Hey Believe the Hy-fans, how are you today? I’m doing real, real good. I wrote that just to send shivers up the spines of the grammar police patrolling this site -a.k.a. my mom. So based upon the wild success of the SNL skit Lazy Sunday- which for those of you who didn’t see it, was a rap performed by Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg about going to see The Chronicles of Narnia and other assorted randomness- I can tell that goofy white guy rap is about to blow up. I’ve long since been a fan of hip-hop and have used rapping as a comedic device in the past on several occasions. However, I feel conflicted now that it appears to be en vogue comedy-wise. On the one hand if I write a silly rap some will perceive me as a bandwagon hopper honor (okay so they probably would spell it onner not honor, but spelling it as honor softens the blow slightly) but on the other hand I feel that if writing raps is something I enjoy doing, and if the masses are craving funny raps who am I to disappoint them? All things considered, I gots to spit this hit right hurr.

SAY CHEESE!

Say Cheese, say cheese, but I ain’t snapping no picture
I just follow good dairy as if it that stuff were the scripture
But I only get religious when it comes to my Cheddar
And I’m not talking bout money, my palate wants something better
Gimme Havarti to start the party- that’s never whack
But just in case, you know out back I keep a stack of Jack
Monterrey or Pepper- hey! I always eat it shredded
If cheese could serve as troops my ass would always be embedded
I would Brie all I could Brie in the US Army
With Edam bombs and Meunster spears you know they can’t disarm me
All that I can do is hope that you won’t be a hater
So let me grab that Swiss you got and rub it on my grater”
It’s time to eat some cheese ya’ll, I’m a lactose tolerater (echo effect on rater)

Say C to the H double E, S-E
I’m slicing up this rhyme like a brick of Col-by
I say C to the H double E, S- E
The government is down they hand this stuff out for free

Say C to the H double E, S-E
I’m slicing up this rhyme like a brick of Col-by
I said C to the H, double E, S-E
The government gets down when they hand this out for free

You wanna learn about this game? Just let me be your tudor
But quit smoking that Buddah, how bout we hit this smoked Gouda?
Now they loving me down south from Hot-lanta to the Nola
I always represent with a wedge of Gorganzola
To all my queso-gente throw your hands up in the a-ir
And holla like you mean it for a hunk of that Gruyere
I hate to get graphic but I’m down on my knees
I gotta see a strip tease so go and peel that string cheese
String cheese, bitch please I’m not talking ‘bout that band
Polly-O- Oh no! You know that’s my brand
Check it, even when it’s sunny out you might need your umbrella
Cause when you least expect it, it starts rainin’ Mozzarella (echo effect on rella)

Let it rain, let it rain, now hit that refrain

Say C to the H, double E, S-E
It tastes so good when melted, wouldn’t you agree?
I say C to the H double E, S-E
Sheep’s or goat’s or cow’s milk- doesn’t matter to me

The flow is getting hotter cause I just bought a lot a
That creamy wet Ricotta- Lasagna foes get nada
I get fed right with Feta all over my Greek salad
And now I got to shout out Pecorino on this ballad

(Beat drops out and this is chanted by an ensemble)

Pec, Pec, Pec-Orino with some Vino
Pec Pec, Pec-Orino what does he know?
(At this juncture in the music video I would be lounging at a wine bar eating some insane Pecorino and I would be looking skeptically at the sommelier as he recommends some wines for me to drink with my delicious cheese, hence the “what does he know?” line)

With cheese you’re never alone, you’re only provolone
It just goes on and on, I’m like the Parmesean Don
Sprinkled on the spaghetti, that’s how my pasta gets ready
I’m steady banging out tracks, and steady peeling that wax
But now it’s time to relax, this cracka needs some cheese snacks

Nibble, Nibble ya’ll- nibble nibble

Say C to the H, double E, S-E
I will eat all the cheese that you offer to me
I said C to the H, double E, S-E
Do I care for more Chevres? Oh most definitely

Say C to the H, double E, S-E
I just sliced this whole rhyme like a brick of Col-by
I said C to H, double E, S-E
They call me ACK, for Adam Cole-Kelly


Say Cheese mutha suckas, one of the biggest hit singles since Kraft Americans!

You better recognize, sometimes it’s pasteurized

Big shout out to Wisconsin, America’s Dairy Land, Cheeseheads stay heads up, ya heard?

Baby Swiss, daddy loves you, and Manchego, you’re still my favorite, boy-boy!

So many varieties- but it’s just one love and I’m out. Say Cheese! Peace!

The year of the....

I bet you guys thought I had hung up the spikes, thrown in the towel, called it a day, cashed in my chips, grated the Havarti, emptied the wheelbarrow and ironed my socks but I'm here to tell you I've done none of the above- even though my socks are curiously wrinkled and could use a nice iron. I refused to participate in an act with such grave metaphoric implications.

It is now 2006, the year of the...anticlimatic post ellipsis conclusion. Expect countless more instances throughout the calendar year.

So much more to come. Thanks for sticking around. I've missed you all more than you could ever know.