Nothing To Grin About

I woke up this morning wondering how the expression "shit-eating grin" came to be. I have seen a handful of people eat shit in my day, but never have they done so with a smile upon their face. Quite the contrary in fact. It seems that most people find shit-eating to be painfully unpleasant. More often than not, consumption of shit leads to excessive vomiting-which is hardly conducive to showing off those pearly whites. Maybe the expression originated as "cupcake eating grin" and somewhere along the line shit supplanted cupcake. (Jit is Icelandic for cupcake, so maybe there was a translation mishap involving a tourist from Iceland) Or maybe, initially the expression was shit eating cringe and somebody who appreciated irony slid grin in there and then somebody without an appreciation of irony took the doctored expression at face value and passed it along as such. Either way it seems evident to me that somewhere along the line there was a mix-up. I refuse to believe that shit-eating grin has always been shit-eating grin. Furthermore, it seems as though there is at times an association with getting away with something when one sports a shit-eating grin and I think it's safe to say that when one eats shit it is readily detectable by anyone within a thirty foot radius and thus seldom gotten away with.

Here's a question about witches: Can they only fly on brooms, or would a mop do the trick? Are there particular properties inherent to the broomsticks that lend themselves to flight? How about a rake or a shovel? Or, if it must be a product specifically for indoor cleanliness/maintenance could a very small witch make do with a plunger? I realize that might be slightly embarrassing for her, but if she was in a jam and couldn't find her broom could she make it happen? Do you think witches who fly on plungers or wooden tennis rackets have stickers on their plungers/rackets that say, "My other flying apparatus is a broom?" I guess that turned out to be many questions about witches rather than a question. Any witches out there feel free to answer my questions and clarify the situation for the curious masses. You might want to make your post anonymously though, you know, so you don't get burned at the stake.

Here's hoping all of you are on the hunting rather than the hunted side of the witch-hunt we call life.

Holy shit, that was dark, huh?

I'm just kidding, I don't view life as one giant witch-hunt. I see it more as a county fair.

Here's hoping all of you win the enormous stuffed animal at the ball toss at the county fair we call life.

That's a much better image to bring with you into the weekend.

finally!

Last night I saw a commercial for this new amazing space saving system that features three different sized tupperware containers- all with the same size lid- that you stack on a swiveling holder. One of the boasts the company made about their revolutionary new product, was that it is so easy to use that you can use it blindfolded. When the voice over artist made that bold claim during the ad, an actress was shown going to her cupboard with a blindfold on and rotating the swivel while feeling around to find the tupperware container that she wanted. I thought it was brilliant for the company to illustrate this useful feature of their space saving product. Oh the countless times I have searched for that elusive tupperware container I so desperately needed to no avail thanks to my vision blocking blindfold. But now, I don't have to take off my comfy blindfold when looking to put my leftover pasta into a fridge worthy, freshness preserving container. Somebody upstairs has been listening to our prayers people. Go ahead, start double knotting those blindfolds, no need to take them off now. Yahtzee!

If today is two's day, why isn't tomorrow three's day? C'mon, work with me here, people.

Later.

Weekend/Work/What's Up?

So since last Thursday (through Wednesday) I've been working for this espn gameshow called stump the schwab. I used to think that I knew a lot about sports. I no longer think so. Some of these contestants are machines. Anyhow, I don't have computer access throughout the day as the contestants need to be sequestered and I end up watching over them for nine hours or so a day-hence my recent lack of posting. There was one contestant recently named Guy. Whenever you address a man named Guy by name, you automatically feel like you are condescending him. "Good luck, Guy." "Nice to meet you, Guy." "Better luck next time, Guy." It's a delicate situation.

Alison makes a mean Brisket. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

I went to see Fever Pitch last night. I had low expectations and a chip on my shoulder heading into it due to MLB allowing Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore onto the field after the Red Sox won the world series. Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed the film. I bet you would too seeing as how we normally enjoy the same films.

I finally returned to the basketball court Friday night. Exree Hipp played in the division champions tournament. We only had five players. My lack of conditioning while injured didn't play dividends. I nearly fainted at the end of the first half. My face changed colors from beet red, to ghostly white, to a nice greenish hue (so I'm told.) We blew an 11 point lead with five minutes to play. I missed a three pointer off the back rim at the buzzer and we lost 65-62. We played hard though and even though we lost, we really won because the other team had to play another game immediately afterwards. I definitely would have died if we played another game. Three days later and I'm still indescribably sore. I can hardly touch my knees nevemind my toes. Given the way I felt after the game, I sincerely believe that those new Gatorade Endurance commericals in which different dehydrated athletes crumble into pieces are not enhanced in anyway. Had I taken a charge I would have surely been smashed into smithereens.

After our game the team went out, division championship trophies in hand, to celebrate a great season. A group of dudes walking around the streets of New York on a Friday night all carrying trophies tend to get a lot of attention-much of it soaked in sarcasm. Nevertheless holding a trophy tends to do wonders for your self-esteem.

Here is hoping you get a trophy soon. Have an awesomely unleavened Monday.

R

Still planning on attending the rejection show tonight I hope. Good, I'm glad to hear nothing else has come up. Old Navy's latest commerical, which is the special brand of annoying that only their commercials can achieve, features a rip-off of Young MC's timeless hit Bust A Move. The Old Navy ad uses a watered down version of the beat and includes a rapped verse about their newest shitty product: tunics. Then when it comes time for the chorus the spokeswoman/awful rapper encourages us to "Bust A Tunic." Of all the songs out there to use for a tunic remake, you would think that they could find one that uses a closer rhyme for tunic than move. They don't even have the same number of syllables for cry pete. Wanna know a fun exercise to tickle the funny bone? Try to come up with other songs that would make equally if not crappier tunic remakes that Old Navy could have used instead of Bust a Move. Self amusement tends to be maximized if you hum or sing aloud the music to the original song and then just substitute tunic for some word or combination of words in the chorus of the original. For example instead of the "hey" song (you know, the one played at many a sporting event) do the whole musical build up and then instead of "hey!" think: deh deh deh deh deh "Tunic!" EMF's Unbelievable is also good.

Feel free to share your tunic creations.

Wish me luck tonight.

Don't go anywhere delightful weather.

Rejection Show Info

THE REJECTION SHOW
Wednesday, April 20, 2005 8pm.
Performance Space 122
150 1st Avenue at 9th St.
$7

Hosted by Jon Friedman

Featuring:

Mike Daisey
(Author, 21 Dog years, All Stories Are Fiction)

Sara Schaefer
(Comedian, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You)

Jane Borden & Susanna Hegner
(Freelance joke writers for SNL’s Weekend Update)

PC Vey, Glen Le Lievre, & Matt Diffee
(Cartoonists, The New Yorker)

&

Me!

I'm going to show you which hiccup cures are legit and which ones need to be rejected once and for all.

I honestly think you should come. Seriously. See you there then.

Here's looking at you Larry

Getting a new health insurance plan and dealing with the rental company about our impending lease expiration took precedence over a post yesterday. (Don't you like how I assume people are asking questions about why I didn't post?) Then I went to an event for fellow graduates of Shaker Heights High School living in New York. All sorts of Shaker grads have performed or currently perform on Broadway, so we got to hear some talented people sing. It wasn’t the ideal situation for the performers. Something about the combination of a couple hundred people taking advantage of an open bar and old friends/classmates catching up for the first time in years makes for a less than 100% captive audience.

I have a rejection show tomorrow night. It’s going to be amazing. However, in order to ensure that it is every bit as amazing as it possibly could be, I need to tighten up the nuts and bolts. So I’m going to take out my tool kit and get to that. Besides, let’s be honest, you have better things to be doing. I’ll write more in a couple of hours and include the stellar lineup for tomorrow night’s rejection show.

Don’t throw away the bag of plain potato chips that came with the wrap you get for lunch. Give them to Larry in accounting. He won’t take them if you offer, but if you just toss them on his desk as you pass, he won’t have to feel the shame of accepting them and you know he’ll eat them sometime this afternoon.

Shades

Even though you can get prescription sunglasses, nobody calls people who wear sunglasses "four-eyes." Maybe it's because sunglasses are cool. If you have thick glasses and people tease you about them, get some prescription shades and then instead of getting razzed, people will think you look like a movie star. Except for me, I'm going to start calling everybody I see wearing sunglasses four eyes. Unless they have croakies attached to their sunglasses. Then I'll call them responsible. Also, why is it more acceptable to make fun of somebody whose vision is somewhat impaired but it's totally taboo to make fun of people who cannot see at all? Basically I’m just looking for the green light to tease blind people here. Not really, but seriously people where do we draw the line?

I just got some sunglasses yesterday off of the street. Actually, I purchased them from a vendor set up on the street corner. I didn't just pick them up off the ground. That would be gross, especially since the bridge of your nose is such an epicenter for skin disease contraction. (Look it up) Seemingly every pair of sunglasses you buy these days, no matter how cheap, transparent and non-functional they may be, have stickers on the lens boasting 100% UV protection. UV protection capabilities aren't a joking matter. That's bad karma shitty sunglass vendors. People could blind themselves staring at the sun under false protection pretenses and it would be your fault for affixing that sticker. Are you prepared to walk this earth with that weight on your conscience? Trust me, lots of bootleg sunglass vendors visit this site so it makes sense that I would address this issue in this space.

I will be shocked if I don't lose or break my sunglasses before June. Every Friday, I'll write an update about their condition. If I ever get really busy on a Friday and my post for that day consists entirely of my sunglass condition update that will be a very disappointing post.

I just had a conversation with my friend Roy. We decided that trick candles don't get nearly enough credit for being absolutely incredible. However, we agreed that the technology or whatever you want to call it, behind trick candles ought to be applied to better ends. Perhaps a bomb that constantly re-explodes or something good like that. (Multiple explosion bombs are unquestionably better than frustrating cake decorations in my book.)

I already put my sunglasses on so I need to go outside so that I can no longer be an asshole. I hope that this weekend is not the weekend to end all weekends, because I think a majority of people enjoy weekends and their termination would probably be greeted with a lot of resentment and despair. So have a good weekend, but don't ruin it for the rest of us.

Potpourri of thoughts

If you see somebody run into a grocery store exasperated, grab just a six pack of toilet paper and then act all fidgety while he waits in line, wouldn't the considerate thing be to let him go in front of you if you've got many items? Consideration only gets you so far though, and seeing a grown man crap his pants is a memory that lasts a lifetime. Fortunately, a second register opened up and me and my quilted northern made it home not a moment too soon.

How's everyobody doing today? I think from now on I'm going jump right into a story of near self-defecation before offering up my daily pleasantries. Won't that be nice?

So I got to observe 3 of Michael's social studies classes yesterday. The assignment of the day entailed the kids drawing battle plans as part of the revolutionary war. In addition to mapping out the plan of attack, the kids had a pricelist of supplies with which they could equip their 10,000 troops. One item listed was food for the soldiers. One kid asked Michael what kind of food it was. Michael said it could be anything the kid wanted. Excited at this rare opportunity for carte blanche, another kid raised his hand: "could it be like pork chops and chicken...and ooh, ooh, some spaghettiOs!" Michael chose to ignore this kid. I had to turn around so that nobody saw me cracking up. Perhaps you had to be there.

I think that would be a funny line to throw on the end of a stand up joke that bombs-particularly when it isn't at all applicable. For instance:

Why is it that if you are good at pool and cards you are considered a shark? I bet sharks suck at both. Besides, they shouldn't be playing either as far as I'm concerned seeing how water will damage the felt on the table-both the pool table and the card table-not to mention the cards will get all soggy. Plus we all know that dogs are the good card players. As far as pool is concerned I think humans are the best. That guy is a real pool human. Now that would be intimidating...okay, guess you had to be there.

Look for that to accent an upcoming failed joke by me at a venue near you.

Is there a dumber invention than the overwrite function on a keyboard? Whenever you accidentally hit it or select it in Microsoft word does it not strike you that there are no circumstances in which this is a useful tool? I would rather there be a "shfl" key on the keyboard that shuffles all of the keys in a random way such that each time you hit it, every key takes on a different assignment than what it is labeled. So when you press the T for example, a % appears on screen, and so on. The biggest pain in the ass about the shfl key would be that since all the keys have new assignments, you can't just press the shfl key again to undo the function because the shfl key now represents something else (probably either caps lock or w-just a hunch). The shfl key would be pretty stupid, agreed? Yet still I'd prefer it to the ovr function. Take that overwrite function!

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who are rude to waiters and waitresses. Who do these people think they are? Anyone who talks down to servers is pretty much a bad person as far as I am concerned. One of my particular pet peeves within this larger pet peeve is how these people feel the need to remind servers of their mistakes or sometimes they feel the need to tell other servers of mistakes that a different server made. The most classic example of this, which played out next to me today, is rather than asking for something that they might have ordered, they point out that they had already asked for it. Why say "I had asked for some whole wheat toast too." when "Could I get some whole wheat toast please?" will get you the whole wheat toast just the same-probably even faster and without some of their back sweat spread all over it. This is more a commentary than a funny observation. I just get so fired up about people being obnoxious to servers. It's not too late to change your ways, rude customers. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of April.

One thing you see in movies and tv (or at least Scooby-Doo) that I've never seen in real life but would love to, is somebody mistakenly thinking that somebody else is in disguise and consequently trying to rip off that person's real moustache or head of hair. If I saw that happen in real life while sipping a beverage I bet I would do a spit-take. Naturally occurring spit-takes are something else.

Alright friends, this Thursday is dedicated to you.

Mysterious Visitor

Remember when you were in middle school or high school and every once in a while there was a random adult sitting in on your class. That's going to be me today. I am up and Adam (I know) en route to the South Bronx to pay a visit to my friend Michael’s 7th grade, middle school classroom. I’m quite excited to see him teach. I must admit it is going to be difficult not to sabotage the 7-month long effort he’s made to gain the respect and admiration of his students by recounting stories of our high school misadventures and academic indiscretions. I am sure when he tells his students that I am a comedian they are going to try to convince me to tell some jokes. Maybe I’ll try to write some 7th grade specific material on the subway ride up there. I’ll have to get myself back into that mindset. Perhaps I’ll open with this:

7th grade. Those were the days. I remember when I was 13, I must have gone to at least one bar or bat mitzvah every single weekend. You guys know what I’m talking about, right. Raise your hand if you’ve been to double-digit bar or bat mitzvahs this school year? Don’t be shy, now.

Or perhaps I’ll talk about how cliquey kids are at that age. You know, how all the pretty girls play field hockey and all the coolest guys are on the swim team. That really ought to resonate with them.

This is going to be lots of fun. I can’t wait to give you guys a detailed report. I’ll try to recap later on today. Until then, keep being the best you that you can be. Tah-tah.

What's in a nickname?

Unemployment tends to lead to longer showers. Far too often our showers are cut short because we are operating under time constraints. The unemployed shower gives you the chance to fully relax and enjoy the warm water while you think "what the hell am I going to do when I get out of here?" No concern for conserving hot water for your roommate who needs to take the next shower, no concern for arriving late to the office. Pruny skin could eventually become a concern, but I think you'd have to take one heckuva long shower to get wrinkly.

Switching gears, if you were entered in a thumb wrestling tournament and your opponent's nickname was "green thumb" would you:

a. assume the name means that he's new to thumb wrestling
b. think that he knows his way around the garden
c. wonder if perhaps he's fond of guacamole flavored Doritos despite the stain they leave on one's digits
or
d. not fall into his trap of trying to size him up as a novice, a self-fancied horticulturist, or an artificially flavored snack chip enthusiast knowing that this distraction is all he needs to uncurl his index finger and pin you like the cheap-maneuver-utilizing-bastard that he is?

Your answer to this one question actually reveals more about your personality type than any Briggs-Meyer personality type bull. (I think the fact that with contextual clues the word bull can be understood to mean bullshit is horse.)

If you answered a. you are not only an optimist, you are an optometrist. Deny it all you want, but you were born to dilate pupils.

If you answered b. and own a trowel you are prone to seeking hypothetical thumb wrestling opponents with whom you share hobbies. If you answered b. and do not own a trowel you should buy a trowel and accept the fact that you are prone to seeking hypothetical thumb wrestling opponents with whom you share hobbies.

If you answered c. you are an ESFPT- an extrovert, sensation, feeling, perceiving terrible snack chip eater.

If you answered d. You are sewn of the finest moral fiber. You are confident yet humble. Your sensitivity and self-awareness complement your perceptiveness and your perpetual curiosity in the most flattering manner. While you are extremely trustworthy, you have a healthy distrust of others-not so much as to make you a cynic per se, but the wool is not easily pulled over your eyes. Except if you have trouble sleeping and wear one of those masks to block out all the light and it is made of wool, which I can only imagine would be insanely itchy, but if that’s your thing than that’s cool and then I suppose you pull the wool over your own eyes on a nightly basis. You are outgoing and easily befriend others, principally due to your ability to listen to people when you sense they want to get something off their chest, and to speak when conversations lag. Not to mention, I just pinned you, sucka! You were so busy soaking up all these compliments that you let your guard down and I just advanced to the next round. 1, 2, 3: game, set, match. Better luck next year!

LONG LIVE GREEN THUMB!

I hope you hear consecutive songs from your favorite artist of all time on the radio today.

Have a gem of Tuesday.

The old reviewer-ee switcheroo

Well, well well, if it isn’t the unemployed Adam of old. The hungry Adam who started this blog and posted early, often and prolificly-which according to ms-word’s red squiggles apparently isn’t a word. Welcome back. I’m talking to myself about myself while referring to myself in the third-person. None of this can be healthy.

Any-Howser m.d., I believe that I have mentioned in my recent blogging past that I cannot stand movie snobs. Often I think movie reviewers are movie snobs. Now I realize a degree of critical judgment is necessary for a film reviewer to be respectable, yet still the fact remains that I loathe movie snobs. Thus, I have decided to write a review of a movie review. I doubt that what I’m doing is unprecedented, but at this moment it feels rather earth-shattering. I guess maybe I’ll review a review from the Onion. Those guys are probably obnoxious. No offense Onion. You know I have love for your publication and your Madison roots, but I feel like I need to do this. I am not a regular reader of the Onion a.v.club section though I hear that they are solid film critics. Let’s just see about that. I have selected reviewer Nathan Rabin’s review of Hitch to review today. How many sentences do you think you’ve read prior to that last one in which the word review or a derivation thereof was used thrice? That many, huh? I guess it’s more of a common occurrence than I suspected then. On to the proceedings.

Nathan Rabin’s review of Hitch is like an awful metaphor: Not only does it suck, it ultimately ends up making the author look dumb for trying to look smart. The premise is simple enough: skewer Will Smith and take quick and repeated stabs at the romantic comedy genre at large. The results are less than spectacular. Rabin peppers the review with unnecessarily obscure French references and his incessant bashing of Smith’s portrayal of the title character leaves little doubt that he is either a closeted fan of Smith’s music and is so shamed by that fact that he tries to cover it up by attacking the man in his other artistic endeavors, or more likely he is a racist. Maybe if Rabin didn’t project his own fear of intimacy with women onto every character in every romance-related film he sees his reviews wouldn’t so consistently inspire illiteracy-envy. Granted, I haven’t seen Hitch, but I couldn’t disagree more with Rabin’s characterization of the relationship beteweem Smith and love interest Eva Mendes as “grating.” Speaking of grading, I give his review a D-minus, if only because it made me laugh-albeit unintentionally.

I actually have a huge confession to make: Nathan Rabin gave Hitch a fairly positive review in the Onion. He found Smith to be his usual likeable and non-threateningly charming megastar self. Despite the predictably of the film, like most in its genre, he found the movie to be quite irresistibly enjoyable. Truth be told, I got carried away writing a response to an imagined scathing review of Hitch, and when my ex-post facto research revealed that such a review didn’t exist, rather than choosing another movie review and re-writing a critique of an actual review I decided, it’s nice outside and I kind of want to go for a run before watching the Cavs fight for their playoff lives on tv. Besides, I kind of liked the closet Will Smith music fan/racist angle. Forgive me Nathan Rabin. I realize you are neither.

That was pretty lame of me, huh? Maybe in the sure to be not-too-distant future when I’m struggling for material to write about, I’ll do this again, but only I’ll use an actual review rather than a made up one as the basis of my review-review. Until then, feel free to be disappointed in my lack of integrity/laziness.

If any of you happen to be in a focus group and view a pilot episode of the Greg Giraldo Show for comedy central, feel free to rave about it and insist that you and everybody you know would certainly watch the show every night for years and years if the network had the foresight to keep it on the air for an extended period.

Time to stretch out my shocking unlimber body. Hope the weekend rejuvenated the crap out of you all.

I can explain

About the three day lay-off, see what had happened was….uhhh, it’s just that well….umm, the internet was broken in New York- yeah, yeah that’s it. The internet broke. No, but for really real I’ve been working like a dog these past couple days. And by working like a dog I mean sleeping 18 hours a day and licking my own balls and have other people bag my “business”. I think if you want to impress people by claiming that you’ve been working like a dog you ought to specify that you’ve been working like a sled dog or a seeing-eye dog for an active blind person. Anything else and you deserve minimal props.

We shot our two pilot episodes yesterday. Both were smashing successes-unless the show doesn’t get picked up for series in which case I guess in a strict definition of the word they would become failures. Regardless, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. If you guys ever want to see a great stand up comedian I highly endorse Greg Giraldo. In addition to hilarious material he also has adorable sons.

It’s a little odd that the words blatant and latent are quasi-opposites. If only they both ended in ent or ant this ridiculous premise would be ever so slightly more legitimate. Then I could reasonably make jokes about how adding or removing the letter b makes a new word that means the opposite of the other word. For example, blollipops would be stick-less sour vegetables. And lowdrying would be a process by which you make your hair wetter and curlier. Blizzards are kind of opposites of lizards. (Don’t be so conservative in your interpretation of “kind of ,”you tight ass)

So while I’m not at all looking forward to only fooling myself on Monday when I set my alarm at 9:30 am only to turn it off, realize there is nothing I need to do that can’t wait until later and then promptly going back to sleep until noon, you can expect better, more consistent blog output from me next week. I literally have to wrap this up because the computer guy is here and they are taking this away from me.

Hope everyone’s pulled through this week in spite of my absence. Right this way weekend, we’ve reserved a nice little spot for you here.

Daylight Checking and Savings

Both when you spring forward and when you fall back it’s called daylight saving time. That doesn’t make any sense. In fact you don’t really save daylight either time. In the spring it should be called daylight gaining time. In the fall it should be called daylight losing time. Another option would be to call the spring daylight saving: “I can’t believe I slept this late” and the fall version “If we’re going to meet up between 1 and 2 am, we should specify whether we’re going to do it the first time it rolls around or the second time.” I think that would look good printed in the bottom corner of a calendar. Regardless, I hope everyone’s nice and adjusted. Except for you my Indiana fanbase,- you guys didn’t have this hardship to conquer. I guess when you live in the state with the highest Klan population you deserve a break. Unless you are a member or sympathizer of the Klan in which case you should have something really awful to deal with, like a two-hour adjustment.

Quite the national championship game we’ve got on tap tonight. I think the team that hits more three pointers will win-unless their opponent makes up for that difference in two point field goals and free throws made. All I can truly ask for is that Wisconsin gets some love during the One Shining Moment highlight reel. I’m thinking Alando Tucker’s alley-oop or Clayton Hanson’s nose bloodying head-first dive for a loose ball would make excellent selections.

Someone needs to say it, so I’ll step up: Van Wilder is an underrated movie. Rotten Tomatoes website gives it an atrocious 17% rating. While an argument could be made that they take the gross-out humor a millimeter past the tasteful zone (think graphic consumption of bulldog semen filled pastries) Ryan Reynolds really shines in the title role. I didn’t see him in Blade 6 or whichever unnecessary sequel it was, but I can’t imagine he’s nearly as much at home toting a cross bow as he is being an irresistibly charming 7th year senior. I would rate it as a must add to your respective Netflix cues-unless you’re a film snob in which case, I hate you and don’t care what you do with your free time.

Without specifying in which direction I’m referring, how bout the fact that the weekend is only two days away, huh?!?

April Fools-Yawn.

It's April Fools Day. People are going to pull pranks. Don't believe anything that sounds suspicious etc. etc. etc. Frankly I think the whole thing is kind of tired. That being said, it's Friday,which is always a bonus. Oh yeah, and I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you- I won 33 kabajillion dollars in the New York State lottery!!!!! How awesome is that? I walked into work today and said "make me the host of this stupid pilot or I quit," and my bosses hesitated for a split second and I said, "times up, so up yours!' Then I gave them a double bird flip and marched right out of the offices. I bet your waiting on a big April Fools right about now, huh? You want it, you can have it...April Fools! Guess what...April Fools about it being an April Fools suckers! What do you think of me now? Actually I don't care what you think of me because I can buy your opinions with the novelty size check I recieved made out to me for the modest amount of Thirty-three ka-ba-jillion smackers! Count 'em up. That's a nice chunk a change if I do say so myself and it's mine all mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, I didn't really win $33 Kabajill in the New York State Lottery. Truth be told… I won 57 Zagzillion bucks in the Western Hemisphere Pick 4. 8-3-7-2, read it and weep peasants. Those were my digits, baby! I feel sorry for whoever has to live off their measly $33 kabajillion handout from the New York State lottery. Don't spend it all at once- and I mean that ironically, like when somebody gives you a dollar and says that, because sitting atop my 57 zagzillion mound of dough there isn't much of a difference between 1 dollar and 33 kabajillion of them. You know what I'm going to butter my bagel with tomorrow: tricked ya, I'm not going to eat that kind of street filth. It's caviar and truffle golden goose egg-white omelettes with platinum syrup from here on out for breakfast. (Then a slim fast shake for lunch and a sensible dinner) It is good to be me.

Here is something from the news and my take on it:
A 33 year-old mother of five in Tennessee just sold her name online to an internet gambling site for $15,000 in order to help send her daughter to the same golf school that Tiger Woods attended. Once legal work is complete the woman’s name will officially be changed to goldenpalace.com. Goldenpalace.com. You wanna talk about the weight of the world on a kid’s shoulders. That daughter better revolutionize women’s golf. Can’t you just see mom cursing her daughter out after every bogey? You uncoordinated whore! I have a dot in my fucking signature. I didn’t flagrantly disrespect my father and shame his entire family for you to miss that put you ungrateful little shit.

Have an exquisite final four weekend.

Love Adam